Horsemen Review

Horseman review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

So when I was drawn into the Taken hype along with everyone else, I watched that movie with a sense of why I didn’t watch it in the first place. Old people doing unbelievable acts of courage ala Jason Bourne style. Sorry it just does not work for me. So When I saw Dennis Quaid was in the movie I was expecting him to be this Robert Langdon type character chasing after the occult and solving this mystery of the infamous Horsemen of the apocalypse. Then the film started out with Silence of the lamb type gore with food serving trays and looks of utter disgust from all who witness. You come to find out someone has removed all the teeth of some victim and there is a possibility that the person maybe still alive. The next section involves the lovely lady from Crouching tiger aka Go Go Miss Ziyi Zhang.

Of course this makes the film a lot more appealing now as she becomes the key character to give Mr. Quaid information about The Horsemen. She is somehow linked and you find out that this is a computer organization with members everywhere. This is when the movie goes sour. So somehow through all of this there is a sub story involving Quaid and his two sons. There mother has died and Quaid’s occupation has a rough schedule on the boys. So it’s no surprise when you find out that his head son is involved with the cult. I thought that would make him go after the bad guys even more, but I was glad the movie ended right there because it was really not going anywhere anyway. How do you kill something you can’t find because of so many members? Turn it off thats how. This film had good potential until you found our who did the killings. Then they rushed the rest of it like I’m doing this review. Just wait to catch it one night on Starz when your high it may be worth it then.

5/10

Donkey Punch Review

 

Donkey Punch Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

OK, now there is a thin line in the horror world between sex and gore. I personally am all for it. I’ve never really been attracted to just T&A in films unless it was hard bodies or something like that but I think its for sure necessary in slasher flicks to have some ripe young couple having sex see some tits then enter the boogeyman. But, what about a movie involving a sexual act killing someone. Hows that for horror fun? How about no fun at all. Thats what I got out of our little film here let me tell you about it.

So a couple of sluts are out on vacation and they run across a couple blokes (it’s a British film) that are also out partying. They tell the ladies they are sailors and they are wanting them to come back for some fun under the sun. Of course the girls agree except for one but they convince her to come aboard when she sees their first captain and thinks he’s pretty good looking. So all aboard they go and they are doing what your typical adolescents do, drinking , doing drugs, and heating each other up talking about sex. They start mentioning positions and what not when one of the wankers talks about the Donkey Punch. Not to be confused with DP of Aqua teen hunger force. This is when you are hitting it from the back and right before the man comes he punches the girl in the back of the neck. Myth has it that it’s a climax the girl will never forget. Man they aren’t lying. So the kids drop some E finish off their drinks then it’s time for some action. The bitch of the crew doesn’t join because she is making eyes at co captain sailor boy and the other 2 head downstairs with the rest of the 3 guys to get a little nasty. Thats when things start to pick up. One guys is fucking one of the sluts while the other 2 are tag teaming the other. When one guys pops behind for doggystyle he gives the nod that he about to cum and the guy videotaping is urging him to do it. Of course this guy is the weakest link and he does and he punches the shit out the girl and she dies instantly. Everyone freaks out party is over and who’s got the next best seller on youtube? The blokes do thats who and these winy little girls who just lost their friends can’t do anything about or can they. So this is when the movie gets extremely boring as sides are chosen allies are made and lost and only few survivors remain. It was definitely more of a suspense thriller than a horror movie and all the deaths instead of the donkey punch was cheap. You get a feel during the movie that the directors and writers may have had a unique idea, but they ran out of them as production went along. The movie just dragged and the whole time you are watching it you want them to kill these bitches and get it over with. But thats what movies are for right. I’ll tell you one thing I’m on the hunt for some authentic Donkey Punch films to see what really happens because believe me I think these guys got a little out of hand with it. I’ll give them a little for kinda being original but I will for sure stay away from any movies called dirty sanchez!

2/10

The Unborn Review

 

The Unborn Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Skinny Skinny Skinny. Thats all I could think about when I left the movie theater. Odette Yustman has to be the skinniest girl I have ever seen. Did you know that chick was in Kindergarten cop? Amazing how she almost walks and contorts like a model when she moves in the movie, but um yes lets get to the movie.

So if you don’t know the premise it’s like this, girl sees images of dead boys and wonders why? Thats pretty much about it. Micheal Bay did this movie and I was expecting huge special effects and loud noises. Don’t get me wrong this is not another mirrors episode where there are 24 like explosions all over the place but I was expecting for sure to jump out of my seat even if it was more on a noise factor than a scare factor. So the movie moves along pretty fast and there are all these unsolved mysteries that are showing up every minute. You find out that the girl is a twin after having a eye exam and she has some questions for her father. She finds out her brother died in the womb but it still doesn’t explain why he is after her. Come to find out it’s not really him. It’s really this demon that has been after their family for generations. Unlike a great movie I just watched (see Mandy Lane review soon) the college characters in here are snobby, boring, and they all look like they just came off of one tree hill. I guess they go to Northwestern because I couldn’t think of another university that looked like the one they were in in Chicago. I was hoping and praying on the demise of each one of these characters but with a PG-13 rating my expectations were not that high. There were some creepy scenes that drew you in and left you wanting more but when the climax of the scenes came it kinda of pushed away because t was so noisy. Ever see Stigmata? I know a lot of people like that movie, I think it’s terrible but the whole time I watched it I felt as if it was a cross between Exorcist Origins (horrible movie) and Stigmata (equally horrible). But I won’t go that far it wasn’t as bad as the two mentioned above. It was entertaining enough to keep you involved and I liked the twist involving the Nazi’s and the Occult. Which if you have never read on you should because there used to be some evil bastard in this world. As a Gemini and a member of a family that has 2 sets of twins in every generation this movie was very appealing to me. The only problem is its appeal is for the kiddies and so much more could have been done with an R Rating. I know this is a remake of an Asian film even though the Americans made an Unborn series in the 90’s, but they have to stop raping these movies and giving them a PG-13 rating give them their due. Stop reincarnating Dark Water and move on. I challenge these guys in the industry to bring the actual films to the public here and make these spoiled brats read some subtitles culture is good for them. This movie has a lot of potential but falls short when the gore is given to you on a sugar plated spoon, but it’s interesting enough for me to check it out again when the UN-Rated version comes out. Maybe Valentine 3D will be good for us adults but until then grab your favorite niece or nephew and go scare the hell out of them by seeing this film believe it will be the best part about it.

5/10

The Zombie Diaries Review

 

 

 

The Zombie Diaries Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

So it looks like Dimension Extreme Films deiced there can be more money made off the the George Romero flick Diary of The Dead. How you ask? By making the same exact film as he did and just switching it up a bit. Showing it from all these different angles and things. Wow extraordinary! What I don’t get is how these films just continually get crapped out one by one and I think out of all the Dimensions Extreme Films produced so far, only “Machine Girl” and “Inside” have sparked my fancy. But oh well let me give you the crappy details of a movie that was actually better than Romero’s flick.

Now it’s been done from film to film. Blair witch to Cloverfield, REC to Diary, and in the film you get more of the same. Yes I’m talking about the tiresome real camera feel. Look if I wanted to see movies in this way. I would get a camera of my own and go terrorize a couple catholic schools. Believe me it would be a lot scarier then some of this stuff that comes out. So it’s future time blah, blah, blah, and there are some blokes kicking about London trying to make a documentary. The Documentary is about a unknown virus that is spreading from town to town. It has flu like symptoms except for one thing. It kills people! As our young filmmakers are sorting out key evidence about the virus there are news reports that the virus has spread completely throughout England and there are strange things happening with the bodies. Our filmmakers arrive at an old town that was labeled as hit by the virus and they soon notice the town is deserted. Of course they have car troubles which leaves them stranded in the town. Once the sun goes down they have some unexpected visitors that look dead but are not acting that way.

The second segment shoots to a group that survived the first wave of attacks from the zombies. They are traveling out of the city towards the hills looking for small towns to scavenge for food now. It’s one month later and the zombies have taken over all of Great Britain. There is also a group living in an abandoned barn surviving as well hunting zombies and scouting for ways out. The characters are all very strange and similar to Cloverfield you get just enough back story to either like em or hate em. There is one guy who you will hate for sure. Once you see what he does it will make you despise him even more.

Just like Diary I was not overwhelmed by this film because it constantly moved towards nothing and granted the guy I was mentioning above Is a sick character , It was not an ending that made me stand up and say wow! I just don’ understand how you can make a movie about zombies and not make them the central part of the films. How about some one make a film about a zombie with a camera attached to it and the call that the Zombie’s Diary while he was dead or some shit. I don’t know. The film has too little scenes of destruction by the Zombies. I’m just dying to see that film that shows end of the world possibilities with zombies for real, not this made up melodrama shit. It’s out on DVD so go peep it.

5/10

 

Quarantine Review

Quarantine Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Shaky camera shaky camera is all I’ve been hearing for the past couple days. Finally I got to experience it for myself. I never saw the original film Rec, but I hear it was pretty damn good. Usually when an American company takes on a foreign film they go over board and focus more on big blockbuster effects then keeping the true nature of the story. One of the reasons I was anxious to see Quarantine was because when you think of the premise, a TV reporter follows local firefighters for the night and they go to an apartment building filled with zombies, really how far can you stray from that? The movie stars the sister of Dexter miss exorcism of Emily Rose herself Jennifer Carpenter, who I didn’t know is actually dating the guy that plays Dexter on the show. Anyway Eli Roth’s buddy Jay Hernandez is in the film, and he is one of the firefighters she is following and it just seems to be a routine call until they get there. Supposedly there is an old lady that screamed from her apartment and all the neighbors (rightfully so) are concerned. There is a lot of commotion at the building and when they get to the apartment the lady seems disoriented and foaming at the mouth. After repeated attempts to get information from her she attacks one of the police officers. Then all hell breaks loose as everyone freaks out and one by one tenants start showing signs of a sickness that’s looks very familiar. Lets just say if you ever find out you have it you get a bunch of shots to the stomach. The plot thickens, as it seems as if they have locked the doors from the outside and they are not letting anyone in or out. Not one time during the film was I worrying about character development or acting issues I think everyone did a great job in the film. The whole time you are watching the film you believe that you are the camera man which is far different from a movie like Cloverfield or Blair Witch that screams for you to tell them to put the damn camera down so we can see what the fuck is going on. Not to take anything away from 1-18-08 but these guys did a better job of making you feel like you are there. Let me tell you this, be lucky you were not because everything goes to shit once this bitten bodies decide to get up and come after you. Very entertaining and there is a scene that would make anyone jump out there seat. The gore is there, the jump scenes are there and since they can’t leave the building you know the body count is there. Movies like this are intense because it scares you that with the world we live in nowadays some of this shit may one day happened. Just make sure you live in a house instead of an apartment building! Go see it.

7/10

 

Cruel World Review

 

Cruel World Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

 

God I love Jamie Lee Presley. I’m not really into to blondes but I swear if I was a redneck hick she would be my wet dream every night when I went to sleep. I don’t know what is but she is just so dirty on screen with that heavy southern accent and that toned body. She keeps aging and keeps looking better and better. Now here is the second part. God I hate Edward Furlong. I mean this kid got so much hype as the next big whatever after he did Terminator 2 that I don’t think you can name one movie he was actually good in afterwards. Pet cemetery 2 would have been a perfect opportunity for him to stake his claim and go on to greatness, but a bad storyline and a lot of bad acting from all actors just really hurt that case. So he moves on to films like Pecker and so forth and man I mean it’s just all downhill from there. So how do I feel about an actress who really isn’t that talented (though she is funny as hell on Joe Dirt “I’m your sister) and an actor way out of his prime still trying to hold on, doing a direct to DVD horror movie? Well you are in for a surprise. I actually liked it.

            Cruel World is about Furlong’s sanity demise after being ousted from a fake reality T.V. show that starred Pressley as the con. He confessed his love to her and she dropped him in the dirt. So he enacts his revenge by taking over the mansion he was ousted from and also taking care of Presley which I was a little disappointed in because I thought she would be in the film a little longer. So there is this group of college image hounds who are now going to be apart of the new show but what they don’t know is their host is dead. It’s kinda a fear factor meets the real world show where the contests are asked to participate in challenges to win a million bucks. Furlong has other plans for the contests though. It’s hard to comment on the acting of a movie where the actors are acting in a reality TV show, so I won’t go there. One thing I liked is Furlongs nonchalant attitude of watching the camera system and drinking wine and booze. I would have had a problem with Furlong running around and killing the characters, but they one upped me by having the chaffuer (who is Furlong’s retarted brother) commiting most of the crimes. Though there is a memorable scene with Furlong cutting the head off of one of the victims with an excaliber sword. The movie’s kill scenes are all descent with 1 boring stabbing segment, so it didn’t hurt to watching a film with a small body count. It was a lot better than expected so it may be worth giving it a chance, you just have to remember that it actors acting on a reality show go wrong so please have an open mind. 6/10

Mirrors Review

 

Mirrors review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

So Korean films are finally getting their American upgrades. I’m not saying that’s a good thing because most of the Korean supernatural films are not really any good. Matter of fact most of them are down right boring. Enter Mirrors which is based off of the Korean film “Into The Mirror” which is definitely a slow paced creepy movie that draws you in but puts you to sleep soon afterwards. This adaptation is similar to it only in the fact that it seems like the movie never ends. Oh well let me tell you what it’s about.

            So 24 super stud Kiefer Sutherland has jumped back into horror movies to reclaim fame like he did as the lead young vampire in the flick Lost Boys. This isn’t a vampire tale though, this movie deals with an old department store that used to be a hospital that burned in a fire sometime ago, but the owners won’t let it go away. So they hire these security guards to kind of watch over the place to keep bums out but believe me I don’t care how much shelter is there I don’t know any bums that would shack up in that place. It is and should be known that this building is one of the creepiest ones I’ve seen in any movies in a long time. So what brings Kiefer there? Well he is an ex detective that somehow killed a cop and his mind is plagued with the events of the past that leads him to a downward spiral of drinking and losing his family which his wife is played by the very hot and tittyful Paula Patton who is the beautiful songstress from the Outkast movie Idlewild. She still loves Sutherland but can’t cope with his emotions and drinking so they have split apart. He stays with his sister played by the very talent less Amy Smart which I have always thought was the little sister from Buffy the vampire slayer TV series, but she is just one of the slutty cheerleaders from Starsky and Hutch. Anyway so down on his luck Sutherland becomes the new night watchman at the department store from hell. Lets just say the last watchman got cut from the job early (like the first part of the movie) and Sutherland quickly realizes why. That’s one of the things that bothered me about the movie they pretty much could have ended the film after 1 hour but it’s like they tried so bad to keep you drawn to the story. Way too many conflicts between Sutherland and his family and when his sister gets killed you really think that you are nearing the end and that there is a big conclusion on its way, but it’s not. Not until almost an hour in do you find out why the mirrors are killing people. It has to do with a little girl who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and she was sent to the building (when it was a hospital of course) and there is a doctor that tries to cure her. He does so by strapping her in a seat in a small room of mirrors and makes her confront her fears. Well some demon or something (which they never explain) jump out of her and is trapped in the mirrors. Now how the demon gets from the department store to peoples houses or to a subway bathroom in Harlem, or on any surface that has water (wtf) poured onto it gets me, but it does. It just turns for the worst after every minute past an hour and you start questioning what the fuck and why the fuck you are watching this movie. Somehow the little girl is alive still and is a nun who he must take back to stop this demon and man I don’t want to have to get into what happens to her but lets just say it slows down the film again until she becomes like demon ninja bitch and gives a real ass whooping to my man Kiefer. There are some decent effects and a little gore in the movie which is nice but the film is just way too long. Please wait for this to hit the shelves because you are going to need a couch and blanket and thanksgiving dinner to get through this one.

4/10

The Tattooist Review

The Tattooist Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Now I’m a big fan of tattoos and when I heard of this movie I was really interested in seeing how this movie would work on 2 of my most beloved subjects, horror and tattoos.

Of course my expectations are never too high and when I saw that the movie starred the guy from Roswell, I knew I was in trouble. Have you guys ever seen that dude run? It’s fucking hilarious, it’s like his feet a fighting to touch the ground or something and his hips are too heavy. So anyway he is a tattoo artist that specializes in healing tattoos. Even though everyone tells him its bullshit he is pretty keen on his craft. While at a convention he sees this Samoan cutie at a table and goes after her. Now let me stop there and tell you that this guy is not your ordinary bad ass tattoo artist that never wears shirts and rides badass bikes and dig chicks that fight. No this guy is a green drink, no alcohol, wheat grass eating, tattooed hippy guy that has a knack for stealing peoples ideas to make him famous. So he follows the girl back to a tent to witness an actual tattooing Samoan style going on right there. So what does our little vegan ink man do, he steals one of there tools of course.

            Now this movie involves a vengeful spirit who is awaken after the tool is taken and that puts me in a pang brothers type of mind to wonder ok so what happened to this thing in the past to piss it off and how long do we have to wait for a body to show up hidden somewhere. Romance ensues between the two and our buddy takes residences in a local shop to continue his craft and runs a cross a brother and sister who soon get tainted tattoos and suffer ink filled deaths from our spirit that seems to…um…Tattoo them to death. Now maybe that would be bad ass If the spirit had a like a huge tattoo gun and like tattooed their eyeballs and shit, but no all this thing does is hop on top of you and tap his stick on you and believe me it’s not sexy. There is some hidden secret, a body is found and blah blah blah movie over kisses and stuff. Not at all scary and I though it had potential to be a lot more disgusting. I believe you can wait for it to hit the movie stations on cable.

5/10

 

Insanitarium Review

Insanitarium Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

I believed at a time I was crazy.  I think when you watch so many horror movies you start to question your sanity. Like why am I attracted to some of these movies when I know they are horrible. I may never have an answer for that but that is the mmind set I was into when I saw the movie Insanitarium.

            Lets discuss plot shall we. You sister has been deemed insane and is in a sanitarium that has some questionable tactics. So you cut yourself and pretend to be crazy to get her out? Good idea right, probably night but that’s what happens to the main character in this film. Now I know in movies the insane asylum is one of the weirdest places to be but I have visited a few in my time and they are never as scary as they are in movies. The one in this film looks like the place they kept the demons in Buffy the vampire Slayer! Anyway so in this asylum it seems as if they patients are ending up worse off than they were when they came in. For some reason their eyes are changing colors and they look like prop dummies from 28 weeks later. The main character finally finds his sister and notices that even the staff has bad intentions with the patients and everything is being run under one lead man. This man is of course the one changing them. So our character (John) is building relationships with some of the patients and also an employee. If he does not take the medication he seems to stay level headed, and there is this crazy shock therapy room the he discovers and finds out his sister is next on the list.

            The movie takes a dramatic turns as it seems as if the medication is causing the patients to have a rage virus like reaction and of course if any blood passes from them or the staff will turn also. It seemed as if they writers were fans of the rage virus because the movie completely turns into a 28 days later scenario. Not that the movie is but it start to get sour at this point because it’s hard to believe that all this stuff would be going on unnoticed. Oh well you know movies. John eventually makes it out with his sister but unfortunate for the public they release all the other crazies too. I wonder what happened to the town. I guess we will never know, not that we care really even. Wait for it on Starz in demand.

5/10

The Cottage Review

The Cottage

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

It seems as if the best way to not have any sympathy for victims in horror movies is to make them dirty slime ball crooks.  The UK does not differ much from the folks on this side of the Atlantic. We all seem to enjoy a good chase flick with a little gore and comedy. That’s where The Cottage delivers hands down.

            The movie involves 2 brothers who have kidnapped the daughter of a strip club who is involved in shady deals himself. The step brother is also involved and they plan on getting enough money to pay off a debt to save their family’s home. So the movie starts with the kidnapping going a little unexpected because the daughter is no victim. She almost escapes because one of the brothers is such a pussy that he almost gets beaten to death by her forehead. I guess that what he gets for looking at her tits. When the step brother shows up everything turns to turmoil because it’s obvious the owner of the club is on to them and he has sent some killers to take out our villains or should I say heroes. The fun starts with these 2 sick sadist Korean guys who already have someone with them with a reservation to knife land, but it seems as if someone is watching them.

            Have you seen hatchet yet? Did you know Victor Crowley has a cousin? Just kidding but there is some disfigured crazy guy running around with an axe and he doesn’t like strangers in his neck of the woods. Supposedly he was a farmer that got mutilated by some machinery and he tried to hide from the world but people just kept stopping by. So he cut their heads off and uses their faces for masks. Yeah I know it’s been done before but not too much on the UK side. So the Koreans are wiped away and all that is left is our buxom blonde and kidnappers. Let’s just say they really aren’t a match for our madman when they stab him with pick axes and he still does not die. Also getting your head chopped off running into bear traps isn’t that great either. Scene after scene of comedy gore made this movie and unexpected treat and there is a little surprise at the ending that completely sold me on the film. Let’s just say I’m interested to see if they make a sequel to this movie. I for sure will see you. You should see the first though. Go rent it.

7/10