DARK ORBIX’S CLASSIC METAL ALBUM REVIEWS

  VENOM/AT WAR WITH SATAN/1983 NEAT RECORDS  
    Hey all…..The Dark Orb here with a another review. Today I review a very epic album. An album that defines the true meaning of  black metal.  Since their debut album “Welcome To Hell” was released (1981/Neat Records), Venom has been in my top favorties list  since high school.  This Newcastle England based trio has been aptly named “The Kings Of Black Metal” for their blatant disregard for christianity and all that is holy and pure(nothing about christianity is pure really or holy for that matter).  With the second album titled “Black Metal” (many debates have been discussed on this topic about the authenticity of the genre being based on this album title), Venom continued to offend and  arouse at the same time. While religious groups wanted their music banned,Venom’s  fan base continued to grow and the cries of Jesus freaks fell on deaf ears. Enter 1983, metal was on the rise and  the music got more dark and brutal.  With the release of “At War With Satan”, Cronos and Co. have acquired icon status and honorable mention among the metal elite.  The opening title track is an enduring 20 minutes covering an entire album or cassette side (if you downloaded this and got a 5 minute song, you got ganked son), and was also based on the novel “Paradise Lost” by John Milton depicting the casting out of Lucifer and his angels and the revenge they take on the heavens.  Side two opens with the blistering “Rip Ride” ( an honorable mention), that takes the listener on just that,  one of the fastest tracks for you speed heads out there. Following up is “Genocide”, a rather dismal look at extinction before there was a count down to it,  “Cry Wolf ”  is the ultimate guide to lycanthropic living before Twilight came along and fucked it up for everybody.  Since I’m halfway through the tracklist I might as well continue on. Continuing this onslaught is “Stand Up And Be Counted”  a nice little ditty telling their bloody legions to come forth and wreak havoc. “Women, Leather, And Hell” well that doesnt need much explanation does it?  Ending this album is the track affectionately called “AAAAaaaarrrghhh” so you can guess what thats about.  In 2002 “At War” was given a major makeover and re-release which included  8 more tracks from different releases some of which never hit the states until now.  On that note I would have to say that this album is most definitely a must have, if for nothing else than the extra tracks and the FULL title track. So to all black metal fans who need a classic fix, look no further. 9.5/10

 

Side A
No.	Title	Length
1.	“At War with Satan”	19:57

Side B
No.	Title	Length
2.	“Rip Ride”	3:09
3.	“Genocide”	2:59
4.	“Cry Wolf”	4:19
5.	“Stand Up (And Be Counted)”	3:32
6.	“Women, Leather and Hell”	3:21
7.	“Aaaaaarrghh”	2:25

Bonus tracks in 2002 re-release by Castle Music/Sanctuary Records Group
No.	Title	Length
8.	“At War With Satan (TV Adverts)”	1:04
9.	“Warhead”	3:40
10.	“Lady Lust”	2.48
11.	“The Seven Gates of Hell”	5:28
12.	“Manitou”	4:42
13.	“Woman”	2:56
14.	“Dead of the Night”	4:09
15.	“Manitou (Abbey Road uncut mix)”

DARK ORBIX’S CLASSIC METAL ALBUM REVIEW

OVERKILL/THE YEARS OF DECAY/1989 MEGAFORCE RECORDS

 

Hey metal fam what it do? The Dark One coming at you again with another classic review.  Today I review quite possibly one of the most definitive thrash albums of all time. New Jersey based Overkill has been a personal favorite of mine since “Feel The Fire” with their no nonsense approach to music.  I’ve practically bought every album they have ever released with no disappointment to mention thereof.  “Years Of Decay” is no exception to this comment, from the opening track you are sent on a joyride of anger, hate, and a bit of anarchy intertwined with crushing music to back it up.  An honorable mention? Nah, the whole album is awesome, but I will say “I Hate” is my favortite song with E.vil N.ever D.ies as a close follow up. “Playing with Spiders/Skullcrusher” is a very Black Sabbath influenced track( even sings like Ozzy a little) thats about a good ten minutes of music you wouldnt want back.  Bobby”Blitz” Ellworth’s vocals and lyrics make you feel the heat of the hate he exerts through these tracks supported by Bobby Gustafson/guitars D.D. Verni/bass and Sid Falck/Drums.  “Years Of Decay” totally kicks your ass and has you wanting them to do it more, however seeing them live is another experience you must check out for yourself because words will never do it justice.  9.0/10

 

• “Time to Kill” – 6:16
• “Elimination” – 4:34
• “I Hate” – 3:48
• “Nothing to Die for” – 4:22
• “Playing with Spiders/Skullkrusher” – 10:09
• “Birth of Tension” – 5:02
• “Who Tends the Fire” – 8:09
• “The Years of Decay” – 8:01
• “E.vil N.ever D.ies” – 5:49

 

Survival of The Dead Review

Survival of the Dead Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of the Gutter

Ok I know I have been slacking but this is one of those movies that have been sitting in my download cue for like 3 months and I finally put it to work and watched it. Man I wished I would have watched this earlier to save myself from the ups and downs that is George Romero’s newest chapter in his Zombie lore. Survival of the Dead kind of picks up where the Diary was going; if that’s what you want to call it because I felt that movie was going nowhere. There was a scene in Diary of the Dead where the kids in the film crew were robbed by a group of soldiers and these soldiers (or what’s left of them) are the new stars of this latest entity of this still existing franchise. There is also a small island off of Delaware that has 2 old Irish families as its leaders (on some Hatfield and McCoy’s type stuff) that the residents have completely parted ways due to the issue that some want to try to keep the dead there and make them perform duties that would suit them (um slaves George? Seriously?). Then the rest of the island natives want to kill off all the dead and keep the virus out of their land. Of course the smartest decision (to kill all the zombies) gets cast aside and they exile the Captain O’Flynn from the island that he called home because they did not agree with his slaughter them first ask questions later tactics. This is a zombie world, and I don’t know about you but I would have been right on the boat with Flynn, I slaughter first that’s why I have over an 80% percent chance of surviving a zombie attack, but that’s for another time. Anyway, the soldiers are doing what they can do to survive and I’ll be honest with you for the first couple parts of this movie I had no problem. I thought it started off with a lot of potential it was way more aggressive in the first 10 minutes than the whole film of Diary, and yes the zombies were moving slow just like they were supposed too. One of the beautiful aspects of all prior to Land of and even Land of to some extent (though I will never agree with you guys that that is a good film) is that Romero always gave you enough of the characters in the film that you related to them. They became your neighbor, you police officer, your butcher at the deli, daughter etc. He always did a good job of making the common folk the hero and staying very political on his distrust and views on our government and military forces. In this film, just like diary the characters really don’t matter except for the O’Flynns and Muldoon who bring the movie to their home for the conclusion.

Now I know there were a lot of problems with this film as the soldiers found a way to get to the island through various hicks and a spotty internet reception. They also come upon an abandoned armored car that has over a million dollars in it. After some maneuvering around the last of the dead at a nearby dock, in which one of the soldiers swims to retrieve a ferry and decides to bite off the finger of the contaminated that is reaching for him under water (like we don’t know what happens from here) they make it to the island to find weird things going on. I know you hated the zombie on the horse but if you have been followings Romero’s films religiously (like most of you) then you would understand since Day of the Dead (my personal favorite) Romero has always been showing an evolution of the creatures. Whether it’s shooting guns, coming to the mall, or riding horses Romero has shown us that no matter how carnal and primal we as humans become familiarity is a trip we can’t get rid of in this narcissistic lifestyle we have created for ourselves. So let the dead zombie ride her horse and shut up. The only part of interest in this section of the film is when Muldoon has a theory that they could stop the dead from eating humans and have them eat others things like horses, pigs, you know all the things they ate when they were alive. It seems as if it’s a failed experiment and the clash between Flynn and the soldiers against Muldoon escalates to a magnitude where I swear there were guns fight scenes that had zombies walking right behind the shooters and not attacking? Then it just got out of hand with all the remaining zombies on the island getting set free and of course the over used and abused by Romero himself person on the grown being pulled apart by multiple zombies scene is there and by the conclusion of the film I start to wonder if this movie was supposed to be a comedy that fell flat.

I’m sorry folks but with all the fast zombie movies and virus quarantine type things out there unfortunately I don’t see any need for Romero to be in the genre anymore. He reinvented and put a stamp on it that no one will ever be able to take away from him. Seriously though George I think it’s time to call it a day. I’ll be a fan forever of you and your franchise but it’s time to step out of the zombie movies if you do anything else in horror. I know you can and I’ll be waiting and so will everyone else! Wait for this on Sci Fy 31 days of Halloween, it will be on there I promise!

5/10

Dark Orbix’s Classic Album Reviews: Hellhammer/Apocalyptic Raids/1984 Noise Records

What it do, metal fam!!! Dark Orbix back at you once again with yet another classic metal album review.  Today I take you into the realm of all that is brutal.  Although there were a lot of metal bands that surfaced in the early to mid eighties, very few compared to the  raw power that was known as Hellhammer.  Formed in 1982,  this  line up  would be later known as Celtic Frost with the exception of the original drummer.  Making up this beast of a machine is Thom Warrior on guitar and vocals,  Martin Ain on bass,  and Bruce Day on drums.  Considered as the blueprint of all that is death metal,  and being the influence and inspiration of countless bands for the last 20+ years,  Hellhammer has been acknowledged as one of those legendary bands that unfortunately did not get the full exposure they truly deserved.

Apocalyptic Raids is a must have for anyone wanting to explore the history of death metal’s early years,  and it delivers in aces from start to finish.  Since being re-released,  three more songs have been added making this even more of an essential album for your metal collection.  An honorable mention is the song “Triumph Of Death” .  From the feedback soaked intro, you know you are about to embark on a journey of impending doom.  Include in the mix Warrior’s vividly descriptive lyrics of being buried alive, and eaten by worms as your flesh decays and air slowly seeps away, you will find yourself gasping for air…and loving it….  “Massacra” is another honorable mention being the fastest track on the album (this is before the induction of blast beats in metal so shut up and learn some history). All in all, this album is what doom and death is all about in all of it’s gory glory. Find it and enjoy the brutality. 9/10

The Human Centipede Review

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter
So can I start off by saying this is one of the most fucked up movies I’ve seen in a long time, and that’s a lot coming from me. Seriously this movie tweaked me so much that it took my over a month to say anything about it. I just kept watching it over and over and the only thing that came to mind over and over is what the hell is this? Yay Dutch for stepping back in the genre and never failing to disappoint, um I think. So I’ll put it to you like this I’m not going to bore you like I usually do with all background of the characters because there is not to much of it , so lets dive in the film shall we.
Dieter Laser, say it with me people Dieter Laser! This dude looks like Udo Kier’s cousin that works on Wall Street, and he plays a surgeon with a passion for a little experimenting on his own. So he has this grand scheme to make a human centipede because he has previously done the experiments with his dogs. Not sure if it worked or not because he was looking at pictures of the dogs when he is in his car but when he gets home you find out that clearly the dogs are dead. Of course there are 2 American girls vacationing in Europe and they are trying to get to town from the hostel they are staying in to meet some German beaus they met earlier. Hey American women do me a favor stay out of Europe for a while will you, I’m sick of seeing you guys not knowing how to navigate around a small town get lost and abducted, stay in the states and watch The Hills thank you. So anyway the girls get a flat tire and its raining so after countless bickering they come upon a house in the woods which is of course Mr. Laser’s house. Dude comes off creepier then creepy has ever been. Even Crispin Glover (who I love) could get some creepy tips from this guy. He of course lets them in drugs their waters and makes a fake phone call for a tow truck. The girls thinking everything is ok drink their water and immediately pass out. They wake in a small laboratory and the find themselves strapped down to the chair. They also notice they have been gagged and are not alone. Then doc comes in and tells the girls that they are perfect for his experiment but unfortunately the guy in the other bed is not right because of his skin type? So he kills that guy and then brings in this asian tourist who when wakes up pretty much goes the fuck off on the doctor the whole time, it got kinda comical for a second with the stuff he was saying to the doctor and but he shut up real quick when doc explains the experiment in full detail, The Human Centipede. So what is a Human centipede you ask, well first off you cut the ligaments of the elbows and knees so that you are stuck in a all fours position and all parts must move together. Here is the good part, so the size of the humans has to match also because they must perfectly be aligned one behind another. The first person gets a butterfly type cut around the asshole to make it bigger and the person behind gets there face cut in that same position so that it can attached completely to the anus of the person in front and of course the middle person get the full deal because she has to have the face cut and the anus cut, to attach the third person. So who is in the middle? Why of course the girl who almost escaped that’s who. So I was a little displeased that they started off showing the surgery and then bam next scene they are all connected in bandages. It was weird because I wanted to see it, then I was like ok it’s cool that I did see that, but was like wait this is a horror movie wtf? Show that shit, um directors cut please? The doc wakes them up and beings to train his human centipede and of course he starves them a bit so they are forced to eat and a couple days later you know what happens. China man eats, and then shits in the middle girl’s mouth which feeds her; yeah this is the movie people no lie people shittin in each others mouth. Um excuse me, who approved this? Come to find out from some research that the director Tom Six didn’t even tell the film executives until the movie was finished and sent out for screenings. I’ll admit I got lil wood during that scene yeah I’m fucked up but that’s why you read my reviews and trust my opinion. After a couple of days finally the authorities show up looking for the missing people and they notice the doc is acting a little more weirder than usual, but the doc notices the 2 cops have similar body types and sizes and feels he can extend his centipede even more so he tries to drug their drinks but the cops aren’t buying his story that he doesn’t know about the kids missing and wants to look around the house. He tells the cops they need a warrant and they comply and say they will be back. All the while our 3 attached victims are noticing this is giving them a great chance for escape and they go for it. Now of course the cops come back and some things happen but you know me and my reviews sometimes, if it’s worth seeing I won’t tell you the ending because you need to see it, and the ending is pretty fucked up in this.
Now I don’t agree with all the hype that surrounded this movie but it for sure is new, unexpected, gross, and there is a little titty in it too so find it at your local rental franchise and check it out especially since the Full Sequence (what ever the hell that is ) is coming out in 2011 . Pick it up
8/10

Predators Review

Predators Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of the Gutter

So where is Arnold? That’s really the only question I had in regards to this film before it was put to the screen. Is he going to make a CGI cameo like he did on Terminator Salvation? Probably not but I wasn’t too worried about it with the cast of characters slated to be in this film anyway, oh and not only the cast this film is produced by one legendary Mr. Robert Rodriguez.
So lets talk about the cast first shall we, well this is my review so we shall. Adrien Brody is the man no matter if he is in a Dr. Pepper commercial or rocking liberty spikes in Summer of Sam, and me like many others were intrigued to see how he would do in a big action caliber blockbuster such as this film. Wait let me stop right there. Is this film truly a blockbuster? I mean people have known about it for about 2 years now, but you as a consumer don’t feel slighted just a little. I mean Adrien Brody is in the movie for god’s sake and how many trailers, sneak peaks, etc did you see or hear about before the past few months. Die hards like me can give you 1000 websites of clips, leaked info, stills from the set blah, blah we are nerds, and its ok. I’m talking to you though, you know Joe the head banger. The guy that works at Mobil every Saturday that always says the same stuff to the cute girls going out that night, “Hey what’s up going out tonight?”
That’s how I kinda felt going into this movie like hey Adrien what’s up man fighting some Predators tonight? Cool. Let’s get it. The only problem is Adrien didn’t respond like I wanted him to he gave me one liner after one liner, “Lets go this way” or “They know we are here” To be honest the script was nothing but one liners. It seems like they were just making it up as they went and allowed all the characters to follow suit.
Danny Trejo is a legend; I don’t care what anyone says. He is ultimate Latino badass machismo! I can’t wait for Machete to come out so he can finally get his due as lead actor. In this movie though he unfortunately gets short sided and becomes one of the many 1000 badass forgotten characters that he has unfortunately had to portray many times. Sad because I thought with the release of Machete coming up I thought Rodriguez would give him a bigger part to warm the movie audience up to him a bit more. Guess not. Laurence Fishburne was a huge disappointment as well and I’ll tell you why in a bit. Excuse me that 70’s what? Who is in the film Topher Grace? Topher skinny ass Grace? This is the luckiest cat in the world to still have a career after already being so lucky to kiss the lips of Laura Prepon so many times. The whole time I’m watching the film I’m like, really what is he doing here? So let’s talk about it then.
So the movie gets right into it. Brody is falling from what must be an airplane, his chute wont open until the last second and then boom he hits the ground. He is not alone and finds out fast as Trejo, a Russian, and a very beautiful Miss Alice Braga (I Am Legend) all have been given the same experience. So all of them decide to band together to find out how they all got there and even more who put them there in the first place. They run into a convict and a Somalia rebel fighter who points out Grace. They all notice something different about Grace as opposed to all of them, he doesn’t seem to fit the mold. After short lived background checks you find out that they all were doing something and woke up falling into this jungle with no idea how they got there. Sorry folks they never explain it but yes they are on another planet and yes it does not look like they are going home anytime soon. So they find out through various cages and what not they are not alone, as in species. They meet a yakuza who is quiet but understands like Brody that there is something more here then what is being seen, some kinda huge trap they are all in. They find out fast they aren’t the only ones with that in mind as they quickly walk into a deadly trap set up by a man that is already dead so obviously something got to him before he was able to use it.
Who let the dogs out? The Predators that’s who. I think I would have enjoyed this film more if there were more interaction with the actual predators themselves. There were gadgets and animals that the predators were using for their hunt that had never been seen in previous movies, and similar to the AVP portion of the franchise they gave you a glimpse on how these creatures may live but I wanted more. They finally have their first contact with the so called predators after they stumble into a trophy ground filled with ripped out spinal cords and skulls of all shapes and sizes and one very still alive um Predator? This was in my opinion the first good part of the film, why was there a Predator tied up in the film was this another trap. They don’t have time to find out as the cavalry comes in. They barely escape ( not all of them) and are guided away when they encounter what they think is another predator but just ends up being Mr. Morpheus himself aka Furious Styles Laurence Fishburne. He gives them the whole background on where they are and what’s going on. They are on a game planet set up by the predators to hunt various species from around the galaxy. He also says that there are 2 types of predators and the one that is strung up is game just like them because there are bigger predators that kill the smaller ones too. Well Fishburne ends up being a scavenger tries to kill them to take there stuff but he is unsuccessful due to a good plan by Brody. By this time the film is dragging and as you can tell by my review they introduce things that could have made the film better if they would have dove into those aspects but it just falls flat every time. To be honest I really didn’t care too much for the film after I saw how they used Fishburne in the movie I was a little disappointed, he totally played a Jackie Early Haley role in this one. So to finish this mess up because I swear this review is too long because I’m trying to stretch it to make it worth your while, Brody decides to enlist the help of the Predator that was tied up to help fight off the others. Then all hell breaks loose as they flash past every scene to give to a lackluster ending but I will say there was one bad ass part when the yakuza went at it one on one with a predator. No guns just a Katana and seriously folks the scene was bad ass kudos to the Rodriguez and the director Nimrod Antal’s (who gave us the classic Vacancy)crew because that part of the movie was totally a Rodriguez type of style, the rest don’t really think so. The ending just bombs and of course it leads to a possible return for another movie but who cares. I would have rather scene the aliens in this one with the humans to be honest with you. There was so much that could have been done but they failed to do so. It seemed like a very rushed put together film which garners the question why did this need to come out? The AVPs are doing ok at best, so was this necessary. Maybe the studios told Rodriguez that he has to make this before Machete sees the light of day. Oh well in my opinion they could have left this on out of the franchise, and seriously where is Arnold? Wait for this one to hit the shelves.
5/10

Splice Review

Splice Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of the Gutter

Here is the question I want to pose to you before we start this review: Do you consider creature movies as horror movies? There are many reviewers that want to discredit this as being a horror film, and state that it’s kind of an uncategorized film. I would have to disagree with that statement. I will agree that it is not a scary film whatsoever and that there were no high body counts or though there was a little gore in the film and titties (well little itty bitty ones) so I was okay with the direction of the film. Now let’s talk about the film.
So the film starts out with a new organism that has been created by Brody and Polley. This organism was created through the splicing of DNA from many types of animals. They successfully introduce the creature with another of the same that was created days prior. The problem they are having is there seems to be a short life span for these creatures so they want to alter the DNA with a little splicing from humans. Of course this is a no, no, and they are told that anything involving human DNA will not be tolerated and they would lose their grants unless they could prove these organisms were special at a conference they had coming up. Of course Polley has other plans and lure Brody into helping her do the ultimate Splice. After many failed attempts they finally are successful at creating the DNA and they notice that not only does it take but its starts growing into a living cell very fast. Within months the being is growing at a rapid speed and soon the uterus can no longer hold and the creature is read to be born. Polley does the dumbest thing in the movie by sticking her hand in to try and see what’s going on with organism and is immediately bitten. Brody rescues her by cutting open the bag and releasing the creature, which looks like a giant sperm monster! They capture the creature and lock it up for observation.
Brody feeling unsure if this is morally right decides they need to get rid of the creature. Polley sways him other wise when she shows through some tests that its growing rapidly and they have to keep it alive because it will die pretty soon because its aging days in hours. The weird thing is, is that the creature they think dies but finds out that it hatches the real creature after a few days. It looks like a cross between a bird and a human similar to an ostrich with a human face. It’s aggressive at first but as it matures it takes more of a human shape on top but the legs still look similar to the blue children on Avavtar. Like I said earlier this movie is not a scare you a minute film this is a movie with a well written script and great acting by all parties that gave you a moral sense of if this is just wrong what they are doing. The older the creature gets the harder it becomes to hide. So they create a room for it in the storage unit no one uses. There is a scene in the film when Brody and Polley are intimate and the creature named whom they name “Dren” watches them having sex. Now lets go here for a second and discuss something important to the film. This sense of this dark neurotic intimacy in the film reminded of the move “The Bride” with Sting and the girl from Flash dance. As said by many people in the industry this movie has a true Frankenstein feel to it but I would say due to the relationships between the cast and Dren it gave me more of a Bride feel.
Funny thing is this movie has creature feature all over it. I even compared certain parts with the interaction of the characters similar to the interaction of the main characters in King Kong. Even more then that without the singing there was a hint of Little Shop of Horrors feel to it as well. There is a crucial part in the film that I want to discuss but will hold off because I want you to see this film, and I know you may hate it, think it’s boring or to slow. I say the opposite. I was into the whole film; it just made sense to me. The ending of the film gives you more of the true horror film feel as the creature turns on them (you have to watch it to see how) and the characters are put at risk. The ending scene was pretty predictable but at the same time was brilliant in my opinion. Like I told my friend as we were exiting the theatre that I live for movies like this keeping true to all the classics and then making it there own. If anything it’s not a remake of another movie though it does give you the glimpses of many movies from yesteryear. I applaud Dark Castle for releasing this “Outer Limits” type movie that was well written and well played. It’s a bold movie to release and I can see younger audiences and true “I only watch horror movies” fans as disowning this and hating it for many reasons. I would say this though , if you are a fan of good moves no matter what the genre then this is a must see. Watch it with an open mind and you will see the beauty that this future cult classic has wrapped all inside of it, go see it!
8/10

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 Review

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

So basically this took me a lot longer than expected to get this review for you. Why you ask? Well plain and simple I had too much to say when I first saw the movie. There was good about the film and there was bad about the film. The main problem I have with so many of these remakes is the fact they are a remake so even if you don’t want to compare them to the original  film, you have to because they are remake for gods sake! That’s why I personally didn’t have a problem with the last Jason film, it clearly was not a remake and was not trying to be (even though people argue that it is.) so everything worked for me in the film. Titties, blood, and Jason, period, that’s all I wanted and that’s all I got so I was not mad to admit I like it like some of you other purist are trying to do please get over yourselves thank you). So the reason I bring that point up about having to compare it to the original because it’s what made me ask the first question about the film. Who the hell are these kids? Sure they have Nancy in there but why not the other characters. Were was Tina, Rod, etc? When the movie starts I liked it, I thought it was an great intro scene, lets get right to it, dream sequence guy stabbing himself in the neck yes, I love it lets go. Then the next day all the kids start talking and I find out the girl who was supposed to be Tina is named Chris? Also the bad ass boyfriend is some little punk jealous dude named Jesse? Um excuse me, who are these people and what are they doing playing the keys parts of the beginning of the Nightmare franchise before Nancy takes over. They said in the interviews that they wanted to base the characters on the nightmare original, well then why the hell can’t you base a movie off the original (Like they did with Jason) instead of making it a remake and only keeping one character the same but have everyone else different. Especially when they are all dying the same way. When Tina, err, Chris gets thrown around in her room (which they did a helluva job throwing her around) and Rod, err, Jessee is screaming for her it’s a good one but they are missing the whole point, what happened to the sleep over? Where are the 2 kids making out on the couch, and what happened to the wild fighting love making that was going on in the original? I’ll tell you what happen and I’ll keep blaming these movies until someone proves me not too. Twilight and Haunting of Molly Hartley is to blame. They know these young kids are out having sex (which we were also back in the day) so they don’t want the films polluted with sex and drugs. Pause for a second and think about your favorites of all time. Was their sex? Was their Drugs? Now ask yourself whats wrong with that picture and I will continue on. So anyway I can go for days on that, but back to the film, so Chris gets killed in her sleep and instead of Jesse going missing for days he runs out the front door (who would do that) and sets off the alarm. He goes by Nancy’s to explain what happens and gets caught outside. What happened to John Paxson (who’s character was not even in the film) being cop daddy and sending guys to follow Nancy so when Rod shows up in a leather jacket and no shoes (best wardrobe ever) he gets caught by the cops. But I’m sorry this is an original not the remake so a bloody kid can end up in climbing in the window of another house (what’s up with all these young women with their windows open by trees?) and speak about what happens and get caught in the field after wards. Is it just me or where they like stealing from Wes Craven and making fun of his style at the same time. I swear some moments in the film felt sort of screamish if you ask me.

Now Nancy’s character I had no problem with, she did a good job playing the role and to some extent was rather believable, I did have a problem with her boyfriend though mainly because unlike Depp in the original (here I go again) he didn’t die. Then they have the nerve to redo the scene of him watching over her, wrong! God one of my favorite scenes from the Original is when Nancy call s out “Glen” he pops out from behind a tree and says “I’m here!” Classic! Not in this though homie has swimming flashbacks and things and ends up getting roughed up in the end but overall surviving. So this leads me to the part that I actually hate about the film. The final battle! Everyone knows there is a final battle in Freddy’s movie why, because he is the ultimate bad guy that’s always ready to take out the last one standing, not the last two. No boobie traps set in the house and no final confrontation with Nancy and Freddy boo hoo. I can’t stand it. What I can stand is this, when they introduced the homie Jack Earley I think he did a decent job, but why claim you are making a serious Freddy when all he was doing was giving one liners? “No just me?” “Now that’s a wet dream?” Come on get off your high horse and do it the right way. Jackie is a great actor so I know he could of pulled it off. He was not that scary because he was too short and the glove looked at times like a damn catchers mitt on his hand. They tried to take you somewhere and almost lead you to believe that Freddy was innocent and that he did not do this bad stuff to these kids and they lead you down the road of the kids being his victims as a pedophile gardener at their preschool, which being a parent I can say this, if I ever hear that my kids are playing with the gardner that sleeps in the basement, you don’t have to worry about Freddy Kruger you need to be worrying about Daddy Kruger because I’ll be damn before my kids are left alone unsupervised by a drifter, I mean what kinda preschool is this place. That’s what it’s all about though the preschool, all the bad things that happened at a preschool. No motivation no more drive movie over. I thought something good would come from it, but I was wrong, the only thing you find out is Nancy was his favorite (why we still have no damn clue) and that yes he indeed was pedophile. Big freaking woop! Like we didn’t know that all ready.

So in conclusion I’ll say this, I don’t even want hear about a the sequel already in the works for 3D , um Freddy’s Dead? Hello you still out there? Guess not. I want to see a new Freddy movie, people hate on new nightmare but it was brilliant, and people hate on Freddy verse Jason, but it was at least entertaining (titties anyone?) this movie is just plain outright awful. For days i tried giving  it some good, but the good I was trying to achieve only made it worse for me. Please wait on this one and lets boycotts the sequel shall we!!!

2/10

The Descent 2 Review

The Descent 2 Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of the Gutter

Man this excites me beyond belief. Is it the movie I’m talking about? Maybe, or is it the fact that I’m reviewing a sequel to a movie! I’m excited because I love talking about sequels. Why you ask, because people hate sequels with a passion. They don’t even give them a chance the minute the news is released that one is coming out. I know why, I’m a movie lover so of course I know of all the horrible sequels that exist, but there are so some good ones. Is this one? Well let’s see shall we?
Quick reminder of the first film: 5 lady friends go on a cave jumping trip. They get lost and soon find out they are not alone. What happens that makes this a classic? 1. Gore, and more gore. 2. Women power! “I mean who doesn’t enjoy seeing women kicking ass. 3. CLAUSTRAPHOBIA! I don’t care who you are if you saw the first film, you felt as if you were one of the women trapped in the caves tight squeezing through everything. I literally saw people in the theater having breathing problems while trying to enjoy it. So all of this would make you scream and say no way can they do anything to top that. Lets be honest isn’t Aliens the only sequel out there that you can mention that is better then the first alien? Lower your expectations you are horror fans we watch crap on a day to day basis in the eyes of people that don’t get horror. Now I’m not saying this movie is crap at all, and I’m also not saying that this movie is better than the first one. Also with such a delayed response on it coming to the states it makes sense that you would ponder “Dang this movie must suck!” Well let me be the first to say if you value my opinion at all (which most of you do that’s why you read this) and you know I know my horror; this is a very well made sequel as here is why.
You want to know my favorite part 2 in our genre? Halloween 2. Not that Rob Zombie psychedelic crap, (I still don’t understand the horse Rob!) The actual original Halloween 2 is one of my favorites because it immediately continues from where the first one ends off. Dear aspiring directors and producers of the horror genre here is a little tip for you, if you make a sequel make the timeline as close to the original event as possible. Example you say: 28 weeks later, now lets move on to this UK film.
Film starts guy driving in the woods everything seems to fine almost hits a deer looks to the left and blam! Here is our last remaining heroine from the first film, looking like; well um, that she just escaped the first film. Shoot to later that night. She is in the hospital and freaked out of her mind of what happened to her and also of what she did to Juno after she found out she had sex with her husband and left one of their friends to die so she did the same to her. The authorities have been looking for these girls for 2 days, listen 2 days, I repeat again 2 days. Not 2 years or 3 months later or whatever. So they have some questions for her since she is the only one that came out of the caves. First and foremost what the hell happen to her and her friends down there? Of course still in shock (wouldn’t you be?) she wants nothing to do with the cops at that time but the sheriff of the county has family ties with Juno and want some answers on where she is. So they do the smartest thing in the world which is go back to the cave. So our main heroine Sarah, the sheriff, his deputy, and a team of cave rescuers go to see what the fuss is about and believe me they find out very fast. The only thing I can truly say that I didn’t like in the movie is usually my favorite thing which is the gore. It seemed to me that they were trying to hard with the gore. The first film was just disgusting; there were all types of liquids and goo that the girls were getting thrown into over and over. Legs snapping, bones being exposed, and etc. In this one there were times when the gore was smart. Like when the cave rescue team had to jump, catch and swing on a dead body of one of the girls from the first film. Then there were times when the beasts were getting slayed and they made a huge effort to make you puke as they poured gallons of fake blood down everyone’s throat. It got to the point when I felt like I was watching an old school “Wizard of Gore” or something. This leads to may favorite part of the film, which was the setting. The film crew did a great job of recreating the original scenery from the first film. This is something that I don’t think people realize is hard to do especially when there are some years between the films. It seemed as if every single hole was there. They also had the small water sequence in from the first one that had me on the edge of my seat again. Now you could argue that they rushed past too many of the scenes and the film is a short 80 something minutes long. I would say that is a good thing in my opinion. It’s not like this movie was taking place in somewhere new. There are more people in this one so the body count is higher, and every other single element from the first film is there so this movie works in many ways as a successful sequel. There is a huge surprise in the film that I know most of you are aware of it so I would say it, but it would spoil the movie for fans of the first but aren’t diehards like me that knew this surprise about a year ago. There is a surprise at the end of the film that I was not aware of and let me say it was a nice little treat to finish of a well made movie. I have to admit I had pretty big expectations and I believe all of them were met the only thing that sucked was I was not able to see this in theatres to get the true feel of being once again brought to that place of despair. I will go and see this movie again when it finally hits our shores and I suggest you do too. I know guys that gave the first Descent a 10/10 and I can understand why because it is an instant classic, and like said in the beginning I don’t think this film is better than the first but it’s not to far off. It being short helped because it did not allow the opportunity to drag on at all it never lost its focus and I was very pleased with the ending and you will be too. The Movie has been released since Christmas time in France, the UK and in Japan. As of now currently it is scheduled for a limited release and straight to DVD release on April 27, 2010 in the U.S. Look for it online there are versions out there! Rent it or buy it but for sure check it out!
8/10

The Crazies Review

The Crazies Review
Reviews by Nyquill of The Gutter Reviews

So I never have problems speaking my mind. Usually half way through the movie I’m already writing my review in my head. I usually try to apply any horror movies that I watch to my inner child. You see when you watch over 40 horror movies a week like I do (something is always playing I the background at my house even when company is over) you become somewhat numb to horror so I try to always put myself in a mind frame as a child when watching because then maybe I will be more frightened. Not Crazies though ladies and gentleman this is officially a grown folks movie.
First off this is not a zombie move or any rendition of a zombie movie (ala 28 days and wks later). You nee d to think more along the line of “The Mist” for this one, or if you want to give it any type of zombie complex think compare it to the Return of The Living Dead franchise. Why would I say that, even though this is not a zombie movie? One word people “Government!’ Yes this is one of those creepy lil movies about one of big brothers mess ups and how it hits the heartland. Iowa that it, boring fields and clean drinking water, or wait so we thought until a plane crashed with a bio weapon on board. I guess my hardest thing with writing this review is I want to compare it to the first one and break it down piece by piece, I’m not though. It’s not fair it’s a remake about an event that could happen anywhere in the world and the OG was made in a time when people still gave a hell about what the country was doing to them, there was no skype or imdb.com or American Idol. People used to still eat dinner together back then I mean come on. So forget the remake. Yeah it’s out there, go watch it you probably won’t like it cuz it’s to slow or too political and over your head. Well that’s what makes George Romero a genius and you not!
On to the next on: Radha Mitchell, Radha Mitchell, please stay in horror movies for the rest of your career. You are tall, fine, and I have never seen a woman with as many facial expressions as she does through scenes. She is not the best actor by far but I like her, always have and I think I always will. Tell me you didn’t want to save her in Silent Hill? Yes you did! And mister Go drug dealer, Scream 2 killer, and Nicolas Cage Gone in 60 Seconds chaser Timothy Olyphant is the one of the few actors that you always see in memorable movies (like any mentioned above) or very bad movies (like Hitman) and you wonder how this guy hasn’t ended up in TV yet. Word to the wise all actors in Hollywood needs this dude’s agent like asap. He plays the sheriff of our little town and Mitchell is his wife and town doctor. Everything seems to be going just peachy in Pierce County until one of the locals interrupts a high school baseball game with a shotgun. Thinking the guy is lit. Olyphant takes him down when the townie pulls the shotgun on him with intentions to take him out. Now they assumed it was because this guy used to be the town drunk but his wife and son claim he was 2 years sober. Thinking it was a relapse they wait for the autopsy to find out he was a sober as a Mormon teenager. So obviously something is wrong in town as more of the town folks become some what distant and catatonic from their families and love ones eventually becoming sick and turning on them like a rabid dog. No this is not Rec (or Quarantine for you amateurs) about some rabies getting people though similar this is more in the water and airborne. There is one particular gentleman that decided to kill his whole family and when the cops show up after he burns his house down he is cutting the grass! They lock him up and observe very strange behavior which then turns to very violent behavior by their prisoner. Now this is the part of the movie I had a problem with. The scene of the madman and his family was awesome and I wanted more. You would think in a small town with an out break they could show more interactions of the rest of the town folks and show more blood maybe some titties shower scene whatever blah blah, I’m a dreamer sorry, but they didn’t they moved straight to the army dudes taking over capturing, killing, testing and all on the residents of Pierce county. I got over it real quick thanks to the pitch fork scene. I’ll leave it at that and say that scene is worth the price of the admission. The movie has a natural progression after that which is ok except for it really becomes about Mitchell, Olyphant and his deputy played by Joe Anderson (Ruins dude that got his leg ate up). It’s funny that these 3 are walking away from government danger and black helicopters are in the sky and they blow everything they drive but can’t pick them off when they are walking?
So of course you find out that the government is not going to let anyone live through this to leak out the news about their screw up, so our heroes do everything they can to get away from the army boys and surviving crazies. Lessons to be learned from this movie, stay away from car washes in times of peril and don’t trust dudes that hunt in the off season. See the movie and you will see why. All in all I have to say that I enjoyed watching the movie , there was definitely some, “yeah right!” parts in there , but if there was not, like every other survival movie if you kill the main character in the first scene then you don’t have a movie dammit! Of course the scariest thing about the film is this shit can really happen. There is enough gore to keep you happy and the acting isn’t really that bad. I can say it’s a remake that I can live with because it’s dumbed down from the OG for you mortals and I’m ok with that. Just remember though, if you are laying in bed one night and you hear a plane crash, don’t always think terrorist first, cuz sometimes true terror comes from your own back yard. Now go see it and demand they pay Romero for this movie!
7/10