Insanitarium Review

Insanitarium Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

I believed at a time I was crazy.  I think when you watch so many horror movies you start to question your sanity. Like why am I attracted to some of these movies when I know they are horrible. I may never have an answer for that but that is the mmind set I was into when I saw the movie Insanitarium.

            Lets discuss plot shall we. You sister has been deemed insane and is in a sanitarium that has some questionable tactics. So you cut yourself and pretend to be crazy to get her out? Good idea right, probably night but that’s what happens to the main character in this film. Now I know in movies the insane asylum is one of the weirdest places to be but I have visited a few in my time and they are never as scary as they are in movies. The one in this film looks like the place they kept the demons in Buffy the vampire Slayer! Anyway so in this asylum it seems as if they patients are ending up worse off than they were when they came in. For some reason their eyes are changing colors and they look like prop dummies from 28 weeks later. The main character finally finds his sister and notices that even the staff has bad intentions with the patients and everything is being run under one lead man. This man is of course the one changing them. So our character (John) is building relationships with some of the patients and also an employee. If he does not take the medication he seems to stay level headed, and there is this crazy shock therapy room the he discovers and finds out his sister is next on the list.

            The movie takes a dramatic turns as it seems as if the medication is causing the patients to have a rage virus like reaction and of course if any blood passes from them or the staff will turn also. It seemed as if they writers were fans of the rage virus because the movie completely turns into a 28 days later scenario. Not that the movie is but it start to get sour at this point because it’s hard to believe that all this stuff would be going on unnoticed. Oh well you know movies. John eventually makes it out with his sister but unfortunate for the public they release all the other crazies too. I wonder what happened to the town. I guess we will never know, not that we care really even. Wait for it on Starz in demand.

5/10

The Cottage Review

The Cottage

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

It seems as if the best way to not have any sympathy for victims in horror movies is to make them dirty slime ball crooks.  The UK does not differ much from the folks on this side of the Atlantic. We all seem to enjoy a good chase flick with a little gore and comedy. That’s where The Cottage delivers hands down.

            The movie involves 2 brothers who have kidnapped the daughter of a strip club who is involved in shady deals himself. The step brother is also involved and they plan on getting enough money to pay off a debt to save their family’s home. So the movie starts with the kidnapping going a little unexpected because the daughter is no victim. She almost escapes because one of the brothers is such a pussy that he almost gets beaten to death by her forehead. I guess that what he gets for looking at her tits. When the step brother shows up everything turns to turmoil because it’s obvious the owner of the club is on to them and he has sent some killers to take out our villains or should I say heroes. The fun starts with these 2 sick sadist Korean guys who already have someone with them with a reservation to knife land, but it seems as if someone is watching them.

            Have you seen hatchet yet? Did you know Victor Crowley has a cousin? Just kidding but there is some disfigured crazy guy running around with an axe and he doesn’t like strangers in his neck of the woods. Supposedly he was a farmer that got mutilated by some machinery and he tried to hide from the world but people just kept stopping by. So he cut their heads off and uses their faces for masks. Yeah I know it’s been done before but not too much on the UK side. So the Koreans are wiped away and all that is left is our buxom blonde and kidnappers. Let’s just say they really aren’t a match for our madman when they stab him with pick axes and he still does not die. Also getting your head chopped off running into bear traps isn’t that great either. Scene after scene of comedy gore made this movie and unexpected treat and there is a little surprise at the ending that completely sold me on the film. Let’s just say I’m interested to see if they make a sequel to this movie. I for sure will see you. You should see the first though. Go rent it.

7/10

Botched Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

So in this tale Stephen Dorff is a jewel thief that botches “get it” a job at the last minute due to an unfortunate accident. He escapes the disastrous event and makes it back to the head russkie in charge who is not to happy with him. Supposedly Dorff is the son of a Russian mother who was helped by this crime lord to escape to America. So Steven has to do these jobs for him to repay the debt that is owed from his family. He gets one more chance from the man in charge. What he has to do is go to an executive building in Moscow where there is a cross that is believed to be a possession of Ivan the terrible. Dorf has no choice but to agree and sets out to complete this task with the help of two commie brothers with very distinct difference on how they perceive a heist should be done. One is a passive the other completely insane. When they arrive at the location the insane one feels he has to kill the witness to the crime, which was not a part of the plan. They try to exit but are surrounded in the elevator by what seems to be employees (headed by the hot British chick from Dexter) a bunch of religious fanatics and a security guard. Dorff’s insane partner tries to force the people off the elevator but it’s too late. That’s when the problems start.

            First, the elevator stops on a random floor and seems to shut it’s self off. They are contacted by the authorities, they know of the hostages and they need to negotiate with them to get them off. The messed up thing is when they send a hostage to be freed, he ends up getting his head chopped off. Now I don’t know about you but that doesn’t sound like something police in any country would do. Of course that freaks Dorff and hostages out and they find out they are in a cat and mouse game with the people they stole the jewels from. I will say this movie was very entertaining, and totally gives you a action comedy feel until the blood start showing up, then you know you have hit horror movie land. I will also say pay attention to the killer in the film for a gracious amount of comic relief. The characters are pretty well though out for such a film that it is but they all work together flawlessly. Once again you have to give kudos to the UK casting agencies that seem to always put workable characters together in British horror films anyone seen “The Descent”. Dorff doesn’t do a bad job with his always I’m a James Dean remade actor role, and the chick from Dexter is hot as ever and there is a scene with her ear that will make you close your eyes and thank the horror god you were blessed eyelids. Go rent it tonight!

7/10

The Happening Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

The franchise of M. Night Shymalan will forever go down as genius or as the biggest hoax in movie history. Now I could be like every other website out there and give my personal opinion on why I hated the film, and I know that’s why you are reading this. That is not what I’m going to do. Instead I am going to give you a plot summary in my own words and let you draw your own conclusion on if it’s good or not.

           The Happening fucking sucked!! Just kidding. The movie stars Mark Wahlberg as a high school science teacher that is interrupted one day by the principal asking all faculty to meet in the schools auditorium. They found out in New York there are people breaking out in mass hysteria and committing suicides left and right. The people are urged to evacuate the city so he is joined by his fellow co worker John Leguizamo and strange bride who receives phone calls from a guy named Joey in the first segment. The plague seems to hang over the northeast area and even train have to stop where they are going. They get off and find out the strange happenings are taking over the northeast stretching from New York to Philadelphia.  John Leguizamo’s wife is in Princeton New Jersey so he needs to separate from his daughter to make sure she is ok. Other stuff I can’t tell you happens as Wahlberg Bride and girl head the other way towards farm land and The world is looked at very differently according to mother nature form this point on. I can’t say shit else except for M. Night will remind you more of a twilight zoneesque then actual Hitchcock director like he is trying to be.

Though I will say look before you take with this one.         

5/10

The Signal Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

           Have you ever asked yourself what you would do if the world was to end?

I know I have, and it involves my wife, my child, good weed, whisky and a muthafucking shotgun! The last item of course is for the mass hysteria that usually arrives at the time of the apocalypse. Now I’m not talking about mutant or zombie takeovers, I’m talking about good ole human beings.  The types of humans you would need shotguns for, crazy ones! The Signal is a film about the city Terminus, and in this city the residents are watching TV, listening to the radio, and killing their next door neighbors. Yes I said killing their next door neighbors. This film is broken up in sections each written by a different person. It follows a young lady, her husband, the guys she is fucking, and certain friends and strangers they meet along the way. It’s kind of hard to explain so I’ll break it up in sections and try not to give the movie away.

           Part 1 involves the lady and her lover waking up to a television set full of noise and blurry visions. It is quickly turned off and the lover gives the lady a high fidelity type mixtape to take with her on her way out. When she gets to the garage she is approached by a person asking for help. When she investigates what’s going on she sees blood and quickly starts to retreat. Good for her since there is a crazy person hot on her tails. When she arrives home she is confronted by her husband and his friends start an argument about the happenings with the television. Then all hell breaks loose and she ends up staying overnight in the apartment next door while chaos is happening all around.

           Part 2 focus on the husband interaction with a lady waiting on her guests to show up for a New Years Eve party. She has killed her husband and the neighbor has also killed someone and we are noticing that everyone thinks they are fine but somehow this signal has affected them so much that they start dreaming of obscure scenarios thinking people that are dead are alive and crazy shit like that. I found myself really enjoying this part because the acting is superb and you start to question what’s really going on yourself and whenever someone turns on the TV you jump up and scream for them to shut it off.

           Part 3 takes us to the final confrontation between the boyfriend and the husband. You start to lose the whole apocalyptic aspect on this portion and see The Signal for what it really is a crazed love tale.  Now I’ll mention that I was not feeling that at all. I really started to care less and less for our characters because I was more interested in what was going on in the rest of the world. I was hoping the lady would escape and make it to another city and find the same things going on with no hope to an end. Oh well we all can’t have our wishes granted everyday. So the film ends with no resolve on if the signal will stop but let’s say the good guys win. It could be worse but the film actually was not that bad. Like I said the guy who did the second section really made the movie for me. Its nice whenever a movies shows how or own devices can turn against us, it just would be a little better if we got some sort of explanation as to why its is all happening. I guess we will just have to leave that up to M.Night to explain, man are we in trouble. Go rent this though!

7/10

Otis Review

Otis Review

 

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

Comedies are wonderful in horror movies. I’ve always been a fan of outright humor in movies from Lost Boys to anything staring Kevin Dillon. For some reason there have been a consistent amount of movies involving you white women captured tortured and held hostage by mad men lately. You never really get to see to much back history on these foes except for small flashbacks that are unexplainable and unnecessary.  The best part about Otis is you see his history, say the turning point of his life is right in front of you throughout the film.

           Otis is about a 40 something year old man who believes he is still stuck in the last month of high school before prom and kidnaps girls brings them home and makes them live through it. It’s pretty comical because he truly believes he is courting these young ladies. He even takes it to the next level by contacting the parents of the girls to ask for the opportunity to take them to the prom and fuck them. There is one other thing that’s messed up with Otis, he thinks they are all some girl named Kim. Now you never see Kim in the film but since he plays on this so much you can tell she is the one who broke Otis’s heart a longtime ago. I guess he used to be a football player because he still sports his varsity jacket and makes the girls dress up like cheerleaders. So I’m sure Kim was a cheerleader that promised him a night of everlasting joy, then dropped him like a tab at a hippie festival. Too bad for Otis but too bad for any girl that comes across Otis.

           So we meet the precious Riley. Just your typical teenage girl who wants to make a statement by not wearing a bra on her way out one night. Low and behold that was probably the only thing saving her that night. But daddy makes her go back upstairs and change and of course that gives the perfect chance for local pizza boy Otis to show up and snatch her as she walks out the door. So the torture starts and I don’t want to give anything away but he takes it to the extreme, but not sexually. That’s one of the things I like about the film and the character, he’s fucking nuts but you kinda feel sorry for the big lug, especially with his brother coming by and reminding Otis how much of a dumbass he is. So I’m pretty much going to leave it there because you need to see the film to see what happens next and believe me it’s going to have your ass on the floor. I don’t mind directors taking played out scenarios that we have seen time and time again and putting a little comedic twists on it. To bad this didn’t get a big budget release because this type of film is what keeps the genre going not killing it. Go buy it today!

8/10

The Strangers Review

The Strangers Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Love is a wonderful thing. Compassion 2 people show for each other is wonderful and what better way to show it then with a nice little retreat to the house you were brought up in with that special someone. I feel compelled to say after the long list of horror movies I’ve seen that my wife and I will never head to a cabin in the middle of nowhere with out protection. I do mean a gun not condoms dammit. Anyway so this movie is about a couple who end up being stalked by a 3 strange characters wearing masks. They seem to like the cat and mouse game so they start off by tormenting them through the shadows. Fucking up their car, smashing windows, stealing cell phones, and playing records over and over. When the man shows up it gets worse they torture becomes more real and the fear starts to set in. Too bad the same did not happen to me. I was worried that there would be a problem with boredom since the body count would be low. I was right unfortunately. There is a time when a good suspense horror flick was just what you needed to get your Friday night going. There was also a time when they made good suspense horror movie too. This is not one of those times. Hey I’m all for creepy people with masks fucking people up that is what I live by, but man can a person fall that much being chased by two girls and a guy?

           I question reality in movies like this. Since this is based off a real event I wonder what really happened.  The whole time I figured this was just not real. 3 people who are crazy are enough but 2 people who are fighting for their lives are bad ass in my opinion. Have ever seen a cat backed into a corner by a pack of dogs? Yeah the cat may leave with a bunch of scratches but you better believe those dogs never felt pain like a fresh cat paw before. I think these people lost me when they got to their cars and were continually rammed in the back by a 13 year old driving a truck. Fuck that I don’t care if the car had 4 flats I’m out of there. Swedish engineering would be at its peak if I was in that situation. So after about 90 minutes of jump scenes and and a guy getting his head blown off for showing up early they…ohh shit I can’t give up the ending huh? They did a way better job when this movie was first released I believe it was called Vacancy. Wait to rent it.

4/10

Diary of The Dead Review

Diary of the Dead Review

 Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

So here it is finally my netflix video arrived in my mailbox and I understood where my 14.00 a month was going to. It was going to my trust in the horror movie genre that 1 day there will be a shot of glimmering light that would restore the underground love of the zombie culture. To be honest in this review would be vain. To lie in this review would be a travesty. So I’m just going to give it to you uncut and raw. This movie is fucking horrible. I read all the reviews saying there were two sided opinions on if the movie was artistic or bad. I would agree with the ladder. There was no art involved in this at all.

           The story follows a group of college kids who are filming a ridiculous scary movie when there is an outbreak of zombie attacks in the area. They decide to flee back to campus so they can contact their loves ones but on of the guys (the star of course) goes back to his house and invites them all. They say no except for the slut and move on. They go to hop in the trailer and along the way they run into some zombies. Now let me stop there. The reason is because they only manage to have about 100 zombies total in the flick. I guess budget purposes? Did they even do a casting call for the movie? I mean if you film a movie in PA and it’s about zombies, it seems as if the whole fucking state would show up to be in the film. I mean this was filmed in the same area where they broke the Guinness book of world records for their annual zombie walk. Oh well maybe they thought a complete take over of Zombies in the world could be shown with a few zombies, I beg to differ.  So our heroes stop at a hospital because one of their friends decides to blow her head off in the name of the lord, but of course they cannot let her die because if she does then she becomes part of the undead. So of course she does and someone else in their clan gets bitten, only a matter of time before he turns too and they must dispose of him also. They meet up with some revolutionaries it gets more boring and less scarier they see more zombies and they end up at the house of the guy that left them. They have a couple scenes that are descent like a farmhouse part with a Amish man and another scene at home for one of the stars that goes very wrong. It’s sad but this movie really didn’t have chance from the start and never got any better. I would have to say in my own words that George may want to give it up. Why not do a Masters of Horror for us, shit they could have achieved all they wanted to in this film in 1 hour. But they waste almost 2 on this one. So I leave you all with the idea that the genre may be done in regards to zombies. With the zombie’s strippers and British rage zombies and all we see now, I don’t think there will ever be another movie that even George Romero himself could live up to. Oh well it was a good run while it lasted. I wouldn’t be surprised if this ended up being a cult phenomenon but it shouldn’t. Rent it if you please and watch Land of the Dead afterwards because it would even make that movie better.

4/10

Teeth Review

Teeth Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

I’ve been waiting a along time to see this flick and I was hoping it wasn’t a let down. I know it really was not going to be scary but in regards to a no nonsense monster flick, man I have to say I got everything I wanted. The film is a nice little treat for anyone looking for something different. So our tale follows Dawn a young pro abstinent lady with desires to speak to the youth about the dangers of premarital sex. The problem is she knows she is the cure all disease for sex mixed in one lovely young female. So where does the body count come from you say? How about from the young eager men and an ob gyn that gets exactly what he deserves. There are a lot of crazy elements in this film. Just the family it self is weird because the mom and dad are cute but the son is fucked up. I think it may have something to do with the fact that he tried to finger our heroine at a very young age and got a lot more that what he bargained for. I think if all the girls pants I wanted to get into when I was in high school but I always stayed away from the I want to be a virgin chicks, now I know why. They may have had teeth in there vaginas. Solid acting all the way through but I would like to see her take out more assholes and maybe even a bull dike or 2. It still was a sweet film but there really is not much to say about it because like I stated earlier it was not scary. Definitely a dark humor horror. Kinda like a cross between May and the Lorena Bobbitt tale. I think it’s a film they should show in boys health class to deter them from rape. I wonder where this will hit TV wise due to the fact the sex scenes were alive and in your face. She seems to have sex with a guy she likes and as long as she is relaxed, but the minute you piss her off the teeth come out. The town is around a nuclear waste facility kinda like a simpson 3 eyed fish deal, they could have played more off that but I think having the air of it in the background worked well also. Ever seen cruel intentions? Think if Ryan Phillipe finally got a chance to fuck Sarah Michelle Gellar and he was in it for revenge, That’s kinda what the end seems like. I suggest you get that special someone talked about your first time, drink a glass of wine and enjoy!

9/10

The Cellar Door Review

The Cellar Door

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

So how would you like to be locked in a cage and tortured for weeks with no way of escaping? Wouldn’t that be fun? I love captive movies because I’m so interested in how badly made the contraptions are and all the ways I could get out. Well I’m not in that situations and to be honest I’m glad I’m not. But unfortunately the same cannot be said for our lady in danger in this film. So basically it starts out pretty gory. There is a damsel in distress her clothes are bloody and torn, and she has found away to escape from her man made cell. The only problem is after jumping out a window she lands on her ankle and breaks it. Then she is eventually hit by a car, story over on her part. So of course our bad guy needs to find someone else to lock in his cage of goodies.

           He finds two young ladies who really don’t provide any back story but seem to have their lives in order. He watched them one night while they are out, they come home drunk pass out and he makes his move. He snatches Rudy the badass out of the two. Tall dark and not bad looking but the problem with this movie is not really the acting or the fact that is was made with a little budget. The problem with this movie is it is just too unbelievable. I mean I’m not trying to sound like a social path but how can you believe that a women could be held hostage in a 2 level house in the middle of south central and no one would hear. I mean yeah people have been kidnapping folks for years in LA but come on some one would have to notice something. Homeboy does a real good job of being a total weirdo and there some strange part that involves the lady in captive being haunted by a previous prisoner. The other roommate is in the hunt as well but has no clue how to find her. She soon gets caught as well and now we have a nice little production with a good body count in the making. It seems as if the writers spent a lot of detail building the suspense for our two main characters but when the movie climaxes it also falls. I think if this was filmed in San Bernardino it would have worked out a little better but they didn’t so oh well its worth seeing on Sci-Fi during the 13 days of Halloween.

5/10