Archive for August, 2008

21
Aug
08

Mirrors Review

 

Mirrors review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

So Korean films are finally getting their American upgrades. I’m not saying that’s a good thing because most of the Korean supernatural films are not really any good. Matter of fact most of them are down right boring. Enter Mirrors which is based off of the Korean film “Into The Mirror” which is definitely a slow paced creepy movie that draws you in but puts you to sleep soon afterwards. This adaptation is similar to it only in the fact that it seems like the movie never ends. Oh well let me tell you what it’s about.

            So 24 super stud Kiefer Sutherland has jumped back into horror movies to reclaim fame like he did as the lead young vampire in the flick Lost Boys. This isn’t a vampire tale though, this movie deals with an old department store that used to be a hospital that burned in a fire sometime ago, but the owners won’t let it go away. So they hire these security guards to kind of watch over the place to keep bums out but believe me I don’t care how much shelter is there I don’t know any bums that would shack up in that place. It is and should be known that this building is one of the creepiest ones I’ve seen in any movies in a long time. So what brings Kiefer there? Well he is an ex detective that somehow killed a cop and his mind is plagued with the events of the past that leads him to a downward spiral of drinking and losing his family which his wife is played by the very hot and tittyful Paula Patton who is the beautiful songstress from the Outkast movie Idlewild. She still loves Sutherland but can’t cope with his emotions and drinking so they have split apart. He stays with his sister played by the very talent less Amy Smart which I have always thought was the little sister from Buffy the vampire slayer TV series, but she is just one of the slutty cheerleaders from Starsky and Hutch. Anyway so down on his luck Sutherland becomes the new night watchman at the department store from hell. Lets just say the last watchman got cut from the job early (like the first part of the movie) and Sutherland quickly realizes why. That’s one of the things that bothered me about the movie they pretty much could have ended the film after 1 hour but it’s like they tried so bad to keep you drawn to the story. Way too many conflicts between Sutherland and his family and when his sister gets killed you really think that you are nearing the end and that there is a big conclusion on its way, but it’s not. Not until almost an hour in do you find out why the mirrors are killing people. It has to do with a little girl who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and she was sent to the building (when it was a hospital of course) and there is a doctor that tries to cure her. He does so by strapping her in a seat in a small room of mirrors and makes her confront her fears. Well some demon or something (which they never explain) jump out of her and is trapped in the mirrors. Now how the demon gets from the department store to peoples houses or to a subway bathroom in Harlem, or on any surface that has water (wtf) poured onto it gets me, but it does. It just turns for the worst after every minute past an hour and you start questioning what the fuck and why the fuck you are watching this movie. Somehow the little girl is alive still and is a nun who he must take back to stop this demon and man I don’t want to have to get into what happens to her but lets just say it slows down the film again until she becomes like demon ninja bitch and gives a real ass whooping to my man Kiefer. There are some decent effects and a little gore in the movie which is nice but the film is just way too long. Please wait for this to hit the shelves because you are going to need a couch and blanket and thanksgiving dinner to get through this one.

4/10

14
Aug
08

The Tattooist Review

The Tattooist Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Now I’m a big fan of tattoos and when I heard of this movie I was really interested in seeing how this movie would work on 2 of my most beloved subjects, horror and tattoos.

Of course my expectations are never too high and when I saw that the movie starred the guy from Roswell, I knew I was in trouble. Have you guys ever seen that dude run? It’s fucking hilarious, it’s like his feet a fighting to touch the ground or something and his hips are too heavy. So anyway he is a tattoo artist that specializes in healing tattoos. Even though everyone tells him its bullshit he is pretty keen on his craft. While at a convention he sees this Samoan cutie at a table and goes after her. Now let me stop there and tell you that this guy is not your ordinary bad ass tattoo artist that never wears shirts and rides badass bikes and dig chicks that fight. No this guy is a green drink, no alcohol, wheat grass eating, tattooed hippy guy that has a knack for stealing peoples ideas to make him famous. So he follows the girl back to a tent to witness an actual tattooing Samoan style going on right there. So what does our little vegan ink man do, he steals one of there tools of course.

            Now this movie involves a vengeful spirit who is awaken after the tool is taken and that puts me in a pang brothers type of mind to wonder ok so what happened to this thing in the past to piss it off and how long do we have to wait for a body to show up hidden somewhere. Romance ensues between the two and our buddy takes residences in a local shop to continue his craft and runs a cross a brother and sister who soon get tainted tattoos and suffer ink filled deaths from our spirit that seems to…um…Tattoo them to death. Now maybe that would be bad ass If the spirit had a like a huge tattoo gun and like tattooed their eyeballs and shit, but no all this thing does is hop on top of you and tap his stick on you and believe me it’s not sexy. There is some hidden secret, a body is found and blah blah blah movie over kisses and stuff. Not at all scary and I though it had potential to be a lot more disgusting. I believe you can wait for it to hit the movie stations on cable.

5/10