Survival of The Dead Review

Survival of the Dead Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of the Gutter

Ok I know I have been slacking but this is one of those movies that have been sitting in my download cue for like 3 months and I finally put it to work and watched it. Man I wished I would have watched this earlier to save myself from the ups and downs that is George Romero’s newest chapter in his Zombie lore. Survival of the Dead kind of picks up where the Diary was going; if that’s what you want to call it because I felt that movie was going nowhere. There was a scene in Diary of the Dead where the kids in the film crew were robbed by a group of soldiers and these soldiers (or what’s left of them) are the new stars of this latest entity of this still existing franchise. There is also a small island off of Delaware that has 2 old Irish families as its leaders (on some Hatfield and McCoy’s type stuff) that the residents have completely parted ways due to the issue that some want to try to keep the dead there and make them perform duties that would suit them (um slaves George? Seriously?). Then the rest of the island natives want to kill off all the dead and keep the virus out of their land. Of course the smartest decision (to kill all the zombies) gets cast aside and they exile the Captain O’Flynn from the island that he called home because they did not agree with his slaughter them first ask questions later tactics. This is a zombie world, and I don’t know about you but I would have been right on the boat with Flynn, I slaughter first that’s why I have over an 80% percent chance of surviving a zombie attack, but that’s for another time. Anyway, the soldiers are doing what they can do to survive and I’ll be honest with you for the first couple parts of this movie I had no problem. I thought it started off with a lot of potential it was way more aggressive in the first 10 minutes than the whole film of Diary, and yes the zombies were moving slow just like they were supposed too. One of the beautiful aspects of all prior to Land of and even Land of to some extent (though I will never agree with you guys that that is a good film) is that Romero always gave you enough of the characters in the film that you related to them. They became your neighbor, you police officer, your butcher at the deli, daughter etc. He always did a good job of making the common folk the hero and staying very political on his distrust and views on our government and military forces. In this film, just like diary the characters really don’t matter except for the O’Flynns and Muldoon who bring the movie to their home for the conclusion.

Now I know there were a lot of problems with this film as the soldiers found a way to get to the island through various hicks and a spotty internet reception. They also come upon an abandoned armored car that has over a million dollars in it. After some maneuvering around the last of the dead at a nearby dock, in which one of the soldiers swims to retrieve a ferry and decides to bite off the finger of the contaminated that is reaching for him under water (like we don’t know what happens from here) they make it to the island to find weird things going on. I know you hated the zombie on the horse but if you have been followings Romero’s films religiously (like most of you) then you would understand since Day of the Dead (my personal favorite) Romero has always been showing an evolution of the creatures. Whether it’s shooting guns, coming to the mall, or riding horses Romero has shown us that no matter how carnal and primal we as humans become familiarity is a trip we can’t get rid of in this narcissistic lifestyle we have created for ourselves. So let the dead zombie ride her horse and shut up. The only part of interest in this section of the film is when Muldoon has a theory that they could stop the dead from eating humans and have them eat others things like horses, pigs, you know all the things they ate when they were alive. It seems as if it’s a failed experiment and the clash between Flynn and the soldiers against Muldoon escalates to a magnitude where I swear there were guns fight scenes that had zombies walking right behind the shooters and not attacking? Then it just got out of hand with all the remaining zombies on the island getting set free and of course the over used and abused by Romero himself person on the grown being pulled apart by multiple zombies scene is there and by the conclusion of the film I start to wonder if this movie was supposed to be a comedy that fell flat.

I’m sorry folks but with all the fast zombie movies and virus quarantine type things out there unfortunately I don’t see any need for Romero to be in the genre anymore. He reinvented and put a stamp on it that no one will ever be able to take away from him. Seriously though George I think it’s time to call it a day. I’ll be a fan forever of you and your franchise but it’s time to step out of the zombie movies if you do anything else in horror. I know you can and I’ll be waiting and so will everyone else! Wait for this on Sci Fy 31 days of Halloween, it will be on there I promise!

5/10

Dark Orbix’s Classic Album Reviews: Hellhammer/Apocalyptic Raids/1984 Noise Records

What it do, metal fam!!! Dark Orbix back at you once again with yet another classic metal album review.  Today I take you into the realm of all that is brutal.  Although there were a lot of metal bands that surfaced in the early to mid eighties, very few compared to the  raw power that was known as Hellhammer.  Formed in 1982,  this  line up  would be later known as Celtic Frost with the exception of the original drummer.  Making up this beast of a machine is Thom Warrior on guitar and vocals,  Martin Ain on bass,  and Bruce Day on drums.  Considered as the blueprint of all that is death metal,  and being the influence and inspiration of countless bands for the last 20+ years,  Hellhammer has been acknowledged as one of those legendary bands that unfortunately did not get the full exposure they truly deserved.

Apocalyptic Raids is a must have for anyone wanting to explore the history of death metal’s early years,  and it delivers in aces from start to finish.  Since being re-released,  three more songs have been added making this even more of an essential album for your metal collection.  An honorable mention is the song “Triumph Of Death” .  From the feedback soaked intro, you know you are about to embark on a journey of impending doom.  Include in the mix Warrior’s vividly descriptive lyrics of being buried alive, and eaten by worms as your flesh decays and air slowly seeps away, you will find yourself gasping for air…and loving it….  “Massacra” is another honorable mention being the fastest track on the album (this is before the induction of blast beats in metal so shut up and learn some history). All in all, this album is what doom and death is all about in all of it’s gory glory. Find it and enjoy the brutality. 9/10

The Human Centipede Review

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter
So can I start off by saying this is one of the most fucked up movies I’ve seen in a long time, and that’s a lot coming from me. Seriously this movie tweaked me so much that it took my over a month to say anything about it. I just kept watching it over and over and the only thing that came to mind over and over is what the hell is this? Yay Dutch for stepping back in the genre and never failing to disappoint, um I think. So I’ll put it to you like this I’m not going to bore you like I usually do with all background of the characters because there is not to much of it , so lets dive in the film shall we.
Dieter Laser, say it with me people Dieter Laser! This dude looks like Udo Kier’s cousin that works on Wall Street, and he plays a surgeon with a passion for a little experimenting on his own. So he has this grand scheme to make a human centipede because he has previously done the experiments with his dogs. Not sure if it worked or not because he was looking at pictures of the dogs when he is in his car but when he gets home you find out that clearly the dogs are dead. Of course there are 2 American girls vacationing in Europe and they are trying to get to town from the hostel they are staying in to meet some German beaus they met earlier. Hey American women do me a favor stay out of Europe for a while will you, I’m sick of seeing you guys not knowing how to navigate around a small town get lost and abducted, stay in the states and watch The Hills thank you. So anyway the girls get a flat tire and its raining so after countless bickering they come upon a house in the woods which is of course Mr. Laser’s house. Dude comes off creepier then creepy has ever been. Even Crispin Glover (who I love) could get some creepy tips from this guy. He of course lets them in drugs their waters and makes a fake phone call for a tow truck. The girls thinking everything is ok drink their water and immediately pass out. They wake in a small laboratory and the find themselves strapped down to the chair. They also notice they have been gagged and are not alone. Then doc comes in and tells the girls that they are perfect for his experiment but unfortunately the guy in the other bed is not right because of his skin type? So he kills that guy and then brings in this asian tourist who when wakes up pretty much goes the fuck off on the doctor the whole time, it got kinda comical for a second with the stuff he was saying to the doctor and but he shut up real quick when doc explains the experiment in full detail, The Human Centipede. So what is a Human centipede you ask, well first off you cut the ligaments of the elbows and knees so that you are stuck in a all fours position and all parts must move together. Here is the good part, so the size of the humans has to match also because they must perfectly be aligned one behind another. The first person gets a butterfly type cut around the asshole to make it bigger and the person behind gets there face cut in that same position so that it can attached completely to the anus of the person in front and of course the middle person get the full deal because she has to have the face cut and the anus cut, to attach the third person. So who is in the middle? Why of course the girl who almost escaped that’s who. So I was a little displeased that they started off showing the surgery and then bam next scene they are all connected in bandages. It was weird because I wanted to see it, then I was like ok it’s cool that I did see that, but was like wait this is a horror movie wtf? Show that shit, um directors cut please? The doc wakes them up and beings to train his human centipede and of course he starves them a bit so they are forced to eat and a couple days later you know what happens. China man eats, and then shits in the middle girl’s mouth which feeds her; yeah this is the movie people no lie people shittin in each others mouth. Um excuse me, who approved this? Come to find out from some research that the director Tom Six didn’t even tell the film executives until the movie was finished and sent out for screenings. I’ll admit I got lil wood during that scene yeah I’m fucked up but that’s why you read my reviews and trust my opinion. After a couple of days finally the authorities show up looking for the missing people and they notice the doc is acting a little more weirder than usual, but the doc notices the 2 cops have similar body types and sizes and feels he can extend his centipede even more so he tries to drug their drinks but the cops aren’t buying his story that he doesn’t know about the kids missing and wants to look around the house. He tells the cops they need a warrant and they comply and say they will be back. All the while our 3 attached victims are noticing this is giving them a great chance for escape and they go for it. Now of course the cops come back and some things happen but you know me and my reviews sometimes, if it’s worth seeing I won’t tell you the ending because you need to see it, and the ending is pretty fucked up in this.
Now I don’t agree with all the hype that surrounded this movie but it for sure is new, unexpected, gross, and there is a little titty in it too so find it at your local rental franchise and check it out especially since the Full Sequence (what ever the hell that is ) is coming out in 2011 . Pick it up
8/10

Predators Review

Predators Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of the Gutter

So where is Arnold? That’s really the only question I had in regards to this film before it was put to the screen. Is he going to make a CGI cameo like he did on Terminator Salvation? Probably not but I wasn’t too worried about it with the cast of characters slated to be in this film anyway, oh and not only the cast this film is produced by one legendary Mr. Robert Rodriguez.
So lets talk about the cast first shall we, well this is my review so we shall. Adrien Brody is the man no matter if he is in a Dr. Pepper commercial or rocking liberty spikes in Summer of Sam, and me like many others were intrigued to see how he would do in a big action caliber blockbuster such as this film. Wait let me stop right there. Is this film truly a blockbuster? I mean people have known about it for about 2 years now, but you as a consumer don’t feel slighted just a little. I mean Adrien Brody is in the movie for god’s sake and how many trailers, sneak peaks, etc did you see or hear about before the past few months. Die hards like me can give you 1000 websites of clips, leaked info, stills from the set blah, blah we are nerds, and its ok. I’m talking to you though, you know Joe the head banger. The guy that works at Mobil every Saturday that always says the same stuff to the cute girls going out that night, “Hey what’s up going out tonight?”
That’s how I kinda felt going into this movie like hey Adrien what’s up man fighting some Predators tonight? Cool. Let’s get it. The only problem is Adrien didn’t respond like I wanted him to he gave me one liner after one liner, “Lets go this way” or “They know we are here” To be honest the script was nothing but one liners. It seems like they were just making it up as they went and allowed all the characters to follow suit.
Danny Trejo is a legend; I don’t care what anyone says. He is ultimate Latino badass machismo! I can’t wait for Machete to come out so he can finally get his due as lead actor. In this movie though he unfortunately gets short sided and becomes one of the many 1000 badass forgotten characters that he has unfortunately had to portray many times. Sad because I thought with the release of Machete coming up I thought Rodriguez would give him a bigger part to warm the movie audience up to him a bit more. Guess not. Laurence Fishburne was a huge disappointment as well and I’ll tell you why in a bit. Excuse me that 70’s what? Who is in the film Topher Grace? Topher skinny ass Grace? This is the luckiest cat in the world to still have a career after already being so lucky to kiss the lips of Laura Prepon so many times. The whole time I’m watching the film I’m like, really what is he doing here? So let’s talk about it then.
So the movie gets right into it. Brody is falling from what must be an airplane, his chute wont open until the last second and then boom he hits the ground. He is not alone and finds out fast as Trejo, a Russian, and a very beautiful Miss Alice Braga (I Am Legend) all have been given the same experience. So all of them decide to band together to find out how they all got there and even more who put them there in the first place. They run into a convict and a Somalia rebel fighter who points out Grace. They all notice something different about Grace as opposed to all of them, he doesn’t seem to fit the mold. After short lived background checks you find out that they all were doing something and woke up falling into this jungle with no idea how they got there. Sorry folks they never explain it but yes they are on another planet and yes it does not look like they are going home anytime soon. So they find out through various cages and what not they are not alone, as in species. They meet a yakuza who is quiet but understands like Brody that there is something more here then what is being seen, some kinda huge trap they are all in. They find out fast they aren’t the only ones with that in mind as they quickly walk into a deadly trap set up by a man that is already dead so obviously something got to him before he was able to use it.
Who let the dogs out? The Predators that’s who. I think I would have enjoyed this film more if there were more interaction with the actual predators themselves. There were gadgets and animals that the predators were using for their hunt that had never been seen in previous movies, and similar to the AVP portion of the franchise they gave you a glimpse on how these creatures may live but I wanted more. They finally have their first contact with the so called predators after they stumble into a trophy ground filled with ripped out spinal cords and skulls of all shapes and sizes and one very still alive um Predator? This was in my opinion the first good part of the film, why was there a Predator tied up in the film was this another trap. They don’t have time to find out as the cavalry comes in. They barely escape ( not all of them) and are guided away when they encounter what they think is another predator but just ends up being Mr. Morpheus himself aka Furious Styles Laurence Fishburne. He gives them the whole background on where they are and what’s going on. They are on a game planet set up by the predators to hunt various species from around the galaxy. He also says that there are 2 types of predators and the one that is strung up is game just like them because there are bigger predators that kill the smaller ones too. Well Fishburne ends up being a scavenger tries to kill them to take there stuff but he is unsuccessful due to a good plan by Brody. By this time the film is dragging and as you can tell by my review they introduce things that could have made the film better if they would have dove into those aspects but it just falls flat every time. To be honest I really didn’t care too much for the film after I saw how they used Fishburne in the movie I was a little disappointed, he totally played a Jackie Early Haley role in this one. So to finish this mess up because I swear this review is too long because I’m trying to stretch it to make it worth your while, Brody decides to enlist the help of the Predator that was tied up to help fight off the others. Then all hell breaks loose as they flash past every scene to give to a lackluster ending but I will say there was one bad ass part when the yakuza went at it one on one with a predator. No guns just a Katana and seriously folks the scene was bad ass kudos to the Rodriguez and the director Nimrod Antal’s (who gave us the classic Vacancy)crew because that part of the movie was totally a Rodriguez type of style, the rest don’t really think so. The ending just bombs and of course it leads to a possible return for another movie but who cares. I would have rather scene the aliens in this one with the humans to be honest with you. There was so much that could have been done but they failed to do so. It seemed like a very rushed put together film which garners the question why did this need to come out? The AVPs are doing ok at best, so was this necessary. Maybe the studios told Rodriguez that he has to make this before Machete sees the light of day. Oh well in my opinion they could have left this on out of the franchise, and seriously where is Arnold? Wait for this one to hit the shelves.
5/10