The Human Centipede Review

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter
So can I start off by saying this is one of the most fucked up movies I’ve seen in a long time, and that’s a lot coming from me. Seriously this movie tweaked me so much that it took my over a month to say anything about it. I just kept watching it over and over and the only thing that came to mind over and over is what the hell is this? Yay Dutch for stepping back in the genre and never failing to disappoint, um I think. So I’ll put it to you like this I’m not going to bore you like I usually do with all background of the characters because there is not to much of it , so lets dive in the film shall we.
Dieter Laser, say it with me people Dieter Laser! This dude looks like Udo Kier’s cousin that works on Wall Street, and he plays a surgeon with a passion for a little experimenting on his own. So he has this grand scheme to make a human centipede because he has previously done the experiments with his dogs. Not sure if it worked or not because he was looking at pictures of the dogs when he is in his car but when he gets home you find out that clearly the dogs are dead. Of course there are 2 American girls vacationing in Europe and they are trying to get to town from the hostel they are staying in to meet some German beaus they met earlier. Hey American women do me a favor stay out of Europe for a while will you, I’m sick of seeing you guys not knowing how to navigate around a small town get lost and abducted, stay in the states and watch The Hills thank you. So anyway the girls get a flat tire and its raining so after countless bickering they come upon a house in the woods which is of course Mr. Laser’s house. Dude comes off creepier then creepy has ever been. Even Crispin Glover (who I love) could get some creepy tips from this guy. He of course lets them in drugs their waters and makes a fake phone call for a tow truck. The girls thinking everything is ok drink their water and immediately pass out. They wake in a small laboratory and the find themselves strapped down to the chair. They also notice they have been gagged and are not alone. Then doc comes in and tells the girls that they are perfect for his experiment but unfortunately the guy in the other bed is not right because of his skin type? So he kills that guy and then brings in this asian tourist who when wakes up pretty much goes the fuck off on the doctor the whole time, it got kinda comical for a second with the stuff he was saying to the doctor and but he shut up real quick when doc explains the experiment in full detail, The Human Centipede. So what is a Human centipede you ask, well first off you cut the ligaments of the elbows and knees so that you are stuck in a all fours position and all parts must move together. Here is the good part, so the size of the humans has to match also because they must perfectly be aligned one behind another. The first person gets a butterfly type cut around the asshole to make it bigger and the person behind gets there face cut in that same position so that it can attached completely to the anus of the person in front and of course the middle person get the full deal because she has to have the face cut and the anus cut, to attach the third person. So who is in the middle? Why of course the girl who almost escaped that’s who. So I was a little displeased that they started off showing the surgery and then bam next scene they are all connected in bandages. It was weird because I wanted to see it, then I was like ok it’s cool that I did see that, but was like wait this is a horror movie wtf? Show that shit, um directors cut please? The doc wakes them up and beings to train his human centipede and of course he starves them a bit so they are forced to eat and a couple days later you know what happens. China man eats, and then shits in the middle girl’s mouth which feeds her; yeah this is the movie people no lie people shittin in each others mouth. Um excuse me, who approved this? Come to find out from some research that the director Tom Six didn’t even tell the film executives until the movie was finished and sent out for screenings. I’ll admit I got lil wood during that scene yeah I’m fucked up but that’s why you read my reviews and trust my opinion. After a couple of days finally the authorities show up looking for the missing people and they notice the doc is acting a little more weirder than usual, but the doc notices the 2 cops have similar body types and sizes and feels he can extend his centipede even more so he tries to drug their drinks but the cops aren’t buying his story that he doesn’t know about the kids missing and wants to look around the house. He tells the cops they need a warrant and they comply and say they will be back. All the while our 3 attached victims are noticing this is giving them a great chance for escape and they go for it. Now of course the cops come back and some things happen but you know me and my reviews sometimes, if it’s worth seeing I won’t tell you the ending because you need to see it, and the ending is pretty fucked up in this.
Now I don’t agree with all the hype that surrounded this movie but it for sure is new, unexpected, gross, and there is a little titty in it too so find it at your local rental franchise and check it out especially since the Full Sequence (what ever the hell that is ) is coming out in 2011 . Pick it up
8/10

Legion Review

Legion Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter
So as my wife and I walked into the theatre I really had small expectations on how this movie would turn out. With angels being bad I really couldn’t see the horror factor being played out right , but hey there have been renegade angel movies that turned out pretty good (Prophecy anyone?) So I put my best face on and gave it my all. Let me tell you my preconceived notions were right. Nothing good can come from this and here is why.
So who knows and who cares about the small town that a diner is located in that seems to have its usual bevy of regulars. They shortly go through tad bits of info on the characters but they don’t give much. The only initial mystery is there is a waitress who is pregnant yet she will not disclose any information on the father. There is also a guy madly in love with her and does not care if she has a baby on the way or not, and the rest of the town folk think that is just foolish. So just like in the teasers an elderly woman appears out of nowhere and comes in the diner looking like a lost patron wanting a bite to eat. She orders a raw steak and makes some evil comment to the pregnant waitress on how her baby is going to burn! I really don’t have to tell you what is next because you saw it on the commercial. Then after disposing of the body they all feel it’s time to go because clearly there is a problem with an old lady crawling on the roof. Leaving does not go in their favor and they are immediately attacked by a cloud of flies and decide the shelter of the diner would best suit them. Then our hero arrives! He is a renegade angel that explains to them that god is pissed and he has sent his best angels out to make sure that the pregnant lady does not have her baby. For some reason (which they never explain in the film) the kid is the key to our salvation. Now normally when I leave the theatre on an unresolved issue (remember how you felt after the first time you saw Donnie Darko?) it gives me goosebumps and begging for more, but when they don’t even explain the reason behind the whole concept of the movie then we have a problem. So the reason all these people are coming to get the baby is because they are possessed by angels and they have no idea they are about to get pumped full of lead by patrons at the last diner on earth (which in my opinion would be a better title for the film). They show flashbacks of our renegade angel have conversation with another which I guess is at the fortress of heaven? Wtf? Let me also ask how and angel can talk behind gods back in the shadows of the heavens fortress without God hearing? Can someone please explain that to me? I didn’t think you could. Well anyway so a bunch of possessed people get shot up then the more bad ass angel shows up and him and our hero have themselves a little angel fight. Which was the worst moment of this movie, I swear I was coming to see a horror movie not street fighter alpha 4 angels’ edition!! So all in all the baby comes the angles says there is still more to be done and they drive off into the sunset! That’s it. Really I’m not lying people that’s it. That’s the whole goddamn movie. Pathetic with a capital P. Nothing about the film was scary because the scary parts were in the teasers on TV. I have nothing more for you on this one. Please don’t waste any of your hard earned money on this one. No theatre no netflixs no nothing. Just wait until next Halloween when this tragedy of a film with be on the 31 days of Halloween on a Scfy! The true sad part about this whole experience is the director and lead actor have another movie due t hit theatres in a few called “Priest”(I know right somebody has a god complex) which looked good preview wise until I saw this crap! Thanks for your time people and leave this one alone. 1/10

Horsemen Review

Horseman review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

So when I was drawn into the Taken hype along with everyone else, I watched that movie with a sense of why I didn’t watch it in the first place. Old people doing unbelievable acts of courage ala Jason Bourne style. Sorry it just does not work for me. So When I saw Dennis Quaid was in the movie I was expecting him to be this Robert Langdon type character chasing after the occult and solving this mystery of the infamous Horsemen of the apocalypse. Then the film started out with Silence of the lamb type gore with food serving trays and looks of utter disgust from all who witness. You come to find out someone has removed all the teeth of some victim and there is a possibility that the person maybe still alive. The next section involves the lovely lady from Crouching tiger aka Go Go Miss Ziyi Zhang.

Of course this makes the film a lot more appealing now as she becomes the key character to give Mr. Quaid information about The Horsemen. She is somehow linked and you find out that this is a computer organization with members everywhere. This is when the movie goes sour. So somehow through all of this there is a sub story involving Quaid and his two sons. There mother has died and Quaid’s occupation has a rough schedule on the boys. So it’s no surprise when you find out that his head son is involved with the cult. I thought that would make him go after the bad guys even more, but I was glad the movie ended right there because it was really not going anywhere anyway. How do you kill something you can’t find because of so many members? Turn it off thats how. This film had good potential until you found our who did the killings. Then they rushed the rest of it like I’m doing this review. Just wait to catch it one night on Starz when your high it may be worth it then.

5/10