The Human Centipede Review

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) Review
Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter
So can I start off by saying this is one of the most fucked up movies I’ve seen in a long time, and that’s a lot coming from me. Seriously this movie tweaked me so much that it took my over a month to say anything about it. I just kept watching it over and over and the only thing that came to mind over and over is what the hell is this? Yay Dutch for stepping back in the genre and never failing to disappoint, um I think. So I’ll put it to you like this I’m not going to bore you like I usually do with all background of the characters because there is not to much of it , so lets dive in the film shall we.
Dieter Laser, say it with me people Dieter Laser! This dude looks like Udo Kier’s cousin that works on Wall Street, and he plays a surgeon with a passion for a little experimenting on his own. So he has this grand scheme to make a human centipede because he has previously done the experiments with his dogs. Not sure if it worked or not because he was looking at pictures of the dogs when he is in his car but when he gets home you find out that clearly the dogs are dead. Of course there are 2 American girls vacationing in Europe and they are trying to get to town from the hostel they are staying in to meet some German beaus they met earlier. Hey American women do me a favor stay out of Europe for a while will you, I’m sick of seeing you guys not knowing how to navigate around a small town get lost and abducted, stay in the states and watch The Hills thank you. So anyway the girls get a flat tire and its raining so after countless bickering they come upon a house in the woods which is of course Mr. Laser’s house. Dude comes off creepier then creepy has ever been. Even Crispin Glover (who I love) could get some creepy tips from this guy. He of course lets them in drugs their waters and makes a fake phone call for a tow truck. The girls thinking everything is ok drink their water and immediately pass out. They wake in a small laboratory and the find themselves strapped down to the chair. They also notice they have been gagged and are not alone. Then doc comes in and tells the girls that they are perfect for his experiment but unfortunately the guy in the other bed is not right because of his skin type? So he kills that guy and then brings in this asian tourist who when wakes up pretty much goes the fuck off on the doctor the whole time, it got kinda comical for a second with the stuff he was saying to the doctor and but he shut up real quick when doc explains the experiment in full detail, The Human Centipede. So what is a Human centipede you ask, well first off you cut the ligaments of the elbows and knees so that you are stuck in a all fours position and all parts must move together. Here is the good part, so the size of the humans has to match also because they must perfectly be aligned one behind another. The first person gets a butterfly type cut around the asshole to make it bigger and the person behind gets there face cut in that same position so that it can attached completely to the anus of the person in front and of course the middle person get the full deal because she has to have the face cut and the anus cut, to attach the third person. So who is in the middle? Why of course the girl who almost escaped that’s who. So I was a little displeased that they started off showing the surgery and then bam next scene they are all connected in bandages. It was weird because I wanted to see it, then I was like ok it’s cool that I did see that, but was like wait this is a horror movie wtf? Show that shit, um directors cut please? The doc wakes them up and beings to train his human centipede and of course he starves them a bit so they are forced to eat and a couple days later you know what happens. China man eats, and then shits in the middle girl’s mouth which feeds her; yeah this is the movie people no lie people shittin in each others mouth. Um excuse me, who approved this? Come to find out from some research that the director Tom Six didn’t even tell the film executives until the movie was finished and sent out for screenings. I’ll admit I got lil wood during that scene yeah I’m fucked up but that’s why you read my reviews and trust my opinion. After a couple of days finally the authorities show up looking for the missing people and they notice the doc is acting a little more weirder than usual, but the doc notices the 2 cops have similar body types and sizes and feels he can extend his centipede even more so he tries to drug their drinks but the cops aren’t buying his story that he doesn’t know about the kids missing and wants to look around the house. He tells the cops they need a warrant and they comply and say they will be back. All the while our 3 attached victims are noticing this is giving them a great chance for escape and they go for it. Now of course the cops come back and some things happen but you know me and my reviews sometimes, if it’s worth seeing I won’t tell you the ending because you need to see it, and the ending is pretty fucked up in this.
Now I don’t agree with all the hype that surrounded this movie but it for sure is new, unexpected, gross, and there is a little titty in it too so find it at your local rental franchise and check it out especially since the Full Sequence (what ever the hell that is ) is coming out in 2011 . Pick it up
8/10

Horsemen Review

Horseman review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

So when I was drawn into the Taken hype along with everyone else, I watched that movie with a sense of why I didn’t watch it in the first place. Old people doing unbelievable acts of courage ala Jason Bourne style. Sorry it just does not work for me. So When I saw Dennis Quaid was in the movie I was expecting him to be this Robert Langdon type character chasing after the occult and solving this mystery of the infamous Horsemen of the apocalypse. Then the film started out with Silence of the lamb type gore with food serving trays and looks of utter disgust from all who witness. You come to find out someone has removed all the teeth of some victim and there is a possibility that the person maybe still alive. The next section involves the lovely lady from Crouching tiger aka Go Go Miss Ziyi Zhang.

Of course this makes the film a lot more appealing now as she becomes the key character to give Mr. Quaid information about The Horsemen. She is somehow linked and you find out that this is a computer organization with members everywhere. This is when the movie goes sour. So somehow through all of this there is a sub story involving Quaid and his two sons. There mother has died and Quaid’s occupation has a rough schedule on the boys. So it’s no surprise when you find out that his head son is involved with the cult. I thought that would make him go after the bad guys even more, but I was glad the movie ended right there because it was really not going anywhere anyway. How do you kill something you can’t find because of so many members? Turn it off thats how. This film had good potential until you found our who did the killings. Then they rushed the rest of it like I’m doing this review. Just wait to catch it one night on Starz when your high it may be worth it then.

5/10

Cruel World Review

 

Cruel World Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

 

God I love Jamie Lee Presley. I’m not really into to blondes but I swear if I was a redneck hick she would be my wet dream every night when I went to sleep. I don’t know what is but she is just so dirty on screen with that heavy southern accent and that toned body. She keeps aging and keeps looking better and better. Now here is the second part. God I hate Edward Furlong. I mean this kid got so much hype as the next big whatever after he did Terminator 2 that I don’t think you can name one movie he was actually good in afterwards. Pet cemetery 2 would have been a perfect opportunity for him to stake his claim and go on to greatness, but a bad storyline and a lot of bad acting from all actors just really hurt that case. So he moves on to films like Pecker and so forth and man I mean it’s just all downhill from there. So how do I feel about an actress who really isn’t that talented (though she is funny as hell on Joe Dirt “I’m your sister) and an actor way out of his prime still trying to hold on, doing a direct to DVD horror movie? Well you are in for a surprise. I actually liked it.

            Cruel World is about Furlong’s sanity demise after being ousted from a fake reality T.V. show that starred Pressley as the con. He confessed his love to her and she dropped him in the dirt. So he enacts his revenge by taking over the mansion he was ousted from and also taking care of Presley which I was a little disappointed in because I thought she would be in the film a little longer. So there is this group of college image hounds who are now going to be apart of the new show but what they don’t know is their host is dead. It’s kinda a fear factor meets the real world show where the contests are asked to participate in challenges to win a million bucks. Furlong has other plans for the contests though. It’s hard to comment on the acting of a movie where the actors are acting in a reality TV show, so I won’t go there. One thing I liked is Furlongs nonchalant attitude of watching the camera system and drinking wine and booze. I would have had a problem with Furlong running around and killing the characters, but they one upped me by having the chaffuer (who is Furlong’s retarted brother) commiting most of the crimes. Though there is a memorable scene with Furlong cutting the head off of one of the victims with an excaliber sword. The movie’s kill scenes are all descent with 1 boring stabbing segment, so it didn’t hurt to watching a film with a small body count. It was a lot better than expected so it may be worth giving it a chance, you just have to remember that it actors acting on a reality show go wrong so please have an open mind. 6/10

Insanitarium Review

Insanitarium Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

I believed at a time I was crazy.  I think when you watch so many horror movies you start to question your sanity. Like why am I attracted to some of these movies when I know they are horrible. I may never have an answer for that but that is the mmind set I was into when I saw the movie Insanitarium.

            Lets discuss plot shall we. You sister has been deemed insane and is in a sanitarium that has some questionable tactics. So you cut yourself and pretend to be crazy to get her out? Good idea right, probably night but that’s what happens to the main character in this film. Now I know in movies the insane asylum is one of the weirdest places to be but I have visited a few in my time and they are never as scary as they are in movies. The one in this film looks like the place they kept the demons in Buffy the vampire Slayer! Anyway so in this asylum it seems as if they patients are ending up worse off than they were when they came in. For some reason their eyes are changing colors and they look like prop dummies from 28 weeks later. The main character finally finds his sister and notices that even the staff has bad intentions with the patients and everything is being run under one lead man. This man is of course the one changing them. So our character (John) is building relationships with some of the patients and also an employee. If he does not take the medication he seems to stay level headed, and there is this crazy shock therapy room the he discovers and finds out his sister is next on the list.

            The movie takes a dramatic turns as it seems as if the medication is causing the patients to have a rage virus like reaction and of course if any blood passes from them or the staff will turn also. It seemed as if they writers were fans of the rage virus because the movie completely turns into a 28 days later scenario. Not that the movie is but it start to get sour at this point because it’s hard to believe that all this stuff would be going on unnoticed. Oh well you know movies. John eventually makes it out with his sister but unfortunate for the public they release all the other crazies too. I wonder what happened to the town. I guess we will never know, not that we care really even. Wait for it on Starz in demand.

5/10

The Cottage Review

The Cottage

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

It seems as if the best way to not have any sympathy for victims in horror movies is to make them dirty slime ball crooks.  The UK does not differ much from the folks on this side of the Atlantic. We all seem to enjoy a good chase flick with a little gore and comedy. That’s where The Cottage delivers hands down.

            The movie involves 2 brothers who have kidnapped the daughter of a strip club who is involved in shady deals himself. The step brother is also involved and they plan on getting enough money to pay off a debt to save their family’s home. So the movie starts with the kidnapping going a little unexpected because the daughter is no victim. She almost escapes because one of the brothers is such a pussy that he almost gets beaten to death by her forehead. I guess that what he gets for looking at her tits. When the step brother shows up everything turns to turmoil because it’s obvious the owner of the club is on to them and he has sent some killers to take out our villains or should I say heroes. The fun starts with these 2 sick sadist Korean guys who already have someone with them with a reservation to knife land, but it seems as if someone is watching them.

            Have you seen hatchet yet? Did you know Victor Crowley has a cousin? Just kidding but there is some disfigured crazy guy running around with an axe and he doesn’t like strangers in his neck of the woods. Supposedly he was a farmer that got mutilated by some machinery and he tried to hide from the world but people just kept stopping by. So he cut their heads off and uses their faces for masks. Yeah I know it’s been done before but not too much on the UK side. So the Koreans are wiped away and all that is left is our buxom blonde and kidnappers. Let’s just say they really aren’t a match for our madman when they stab him with pick axes and he still does not die. Also getting your head chopped off running into bear traps isn’t that great either. Scene after scene of comedy gore made this movie and unexpected treat and there is a little surprise at the ending that completely sold me on the film. Let’s just say I’m interested to see if they make a sequel to this movie. I for sure will see you. You should see the first though. Go rent it.

7/10

Botched Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

So in this tale Stephen Dorff is a jewel thief that botches “get it” a job at the last minute due to an unfortunate accident. He escapes the disastrous event and makes it back to the head russkie in charge who is not to happy with him. Supposedly Dorff is the son of a Russian mother who was helped by this crime lord to escape to America. So Steven has to do these jobs for him to repay the debt that is owed from his family. He gets one more chance from the man in charge. What he has to do is go to an executive building in Moscow where there is a cross that is believed to be a possession of Ivan the terrible. Dorf has no choice but to agree and sets out to complete this task with the help of two commie brothers with very distinct difference on how they perceive a heist should be done. One is a passive the other completely insane. When they arrive at the location the insane one feels he has to kill the witness to the crime, which was not a part of the plan. They try to exit but are surrounded in the elevator by what seems to be employees (headed by the hot British chick from Dexter) a bunch of religious fanatics and a security guard. Dorff’s insane partner tries to force the people off the elevator but it’s too late. That’s when the problems start.

            First, the elevator stops on a random floor and seems to shut it’s self off. They are contacted by the authorities, they know of the hostages and they need to negotiate with them to get them off. The messed up thing is when they send a hostage to be freed, he ends up getting his head chopped off. Now I don’t know about you but that doesn’t sound like something police in any country would do. Of course that freaks Dorff and hostages out and they find out they are in a cat and mouse game with the people they stole the jewels from. I will say this movie was very entertaining, and totally gives you a action comedy feel until the blood start showing up, then you know you have hit horror movie land. I will also say pay attention to the killer in the film for a gracious amount of comic relief. The characters are pretty well though out for such a film that it is but they all work together flawlessly. Once again you have to give kudos to the UK casting agencies that seem to always put workable characters together in British horror films anyone seen “The Descent”. Dorff doesn’t do a bad job with his always I’m a James Dean remade actor role, and the chick from Dexter is hot as ever and there is a scene with her ear that will make you close your eyes and thank the horror god you were blessed eyelids. Go rent it tonight!

7/10

Otis Review

Otis Review

 

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

Comedies are wonderful in horror movies. I’ve always been a fan of outright humor in movies from Lost Boys to anything staring Kevin Dillon. For some reason there have been a consistent amount of movies involving you white women captured tortured and held hostage by mad men lately. You never really get to see to much back history on these foes except for small flashbacks that are unexplainable and unnecessary.  The best part about Otis is you see his history, say the turning point of his life is right in front of you throughout the film.

           Otis is about a 40 something year old man who believes he is still stuck in the last month of high school before prom and kidnaps girls brings them home and makes them live through it. It’s pretty comical because he truly believes he is courting these young ladies. He even takes it to the next level by contacting the parents of the girls to ask for the opportunity to take them to the prom and fuck them. There is one other thing that’s messed up with Otis, he thinks they are all some girl named Kim. Now you never see Kim in the film but since he plays on this so much you can tell she is the one who broke Otis’s heart a longtime ago. I guess he used to be a football player because he still sports his varsity jacket and makes the girls dress up like cheerleaders. So I’m sure Kim was a cheerleader that promised him a night of everlasting joy, then dropped him like a tab at a hippie festival. Too bad for Otis but too bad for any girl that comes across Otis.

           So we meet the precious Riley. Just your typical teenage girl who wants to make a statement by not wearing a bra on her way out one night. Low and behold that was probably the only thing saving her that night. But daddy makes her go back upstairs and change and of course that gives the perfect chance for local pizza boy Otis to show up and snatch her as she walks out the door. So the torture starts and I don’t want to give anything away but he takes it to the extreme, but not sexually. That’s one of the things I like about the film and the character, he’s fucking nuts but you kinda feel sorry for the big lug, especially with his brother coming by and reminding Otis how much of a dumbass he is. So I’m pretty much going to leave it there because you need to see the film to see what happens next and believe me it’s going to have your ass on the floor. I don’t mind directors taking played out scenarios that we have seen time and time again and putting a little comedic twists on it. To bad this didn’t get a big budget release because this type of film is what keeps the genre going not killing it. Go buy it today!

8/10

The Strangers Review

The Strangers Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Love is a wonderful thing. Compassion 2 people show for each other is wonderful and what better way to show it then with a nice little retreat to the house you were brought up in with that special someone. I feel compelled to say after the long list of horror movies I’ve seen that my wife and I will never head to a cabin in the middle of nowhere with out protection. I do mean a gun not condoms dammit. Anyway so this movie is about a couple who end up being stalked by a 3 strange characters wearing masks. They seem to like the cat and mouse game so they start off by tormenting them through the shadows. Fucking up their car, smashing windows, stealing cell phones, and playing records over and over. When the man shows up it gets worse they torture becomes more real and the fear starts to set in. Too bad the same did not happen to me. I was worried that there would be a problem with boredom since the body count would be low. I was right unfortunately. There is a time when a good suspense horror flick was just what you needed to get your Friday night going. There was also a time when they made good suspense horror movie too. This is not one of those times. Hey I’m all for creepy people with masks fucking people up that is what I live by, but man can a person fall that much being chased by two girls and a guy?

           I question reality in movies like this. Since this is based off a real event I wonder what really happened.  The whole time I figured this was just not real. 3 people who are crazy are enough but 2 people who are fighting for their lives are bad ass in my opinion. Have ever seen a cat backed into a corner by a pack of dogs? Yeah the cat may leave with a bunch of scratches but you better believe those dogs never felt pain like a fresh cat paw before. I think these people lost me when they got to their cars and were continually rammed in the back by a 13 year old driving a truck. Fuck that I don’t care if the car had 4 flats I’m out of there. Swedish engineering would be at its peak if I was in that situation. So after about 90 minutes of jump scenes and and a guy getting his head blown off for showing up early they…ohh shit I can’t give up the ending huh? They did a way better job when this movie was first released I believe it was called Vacancy. Wait to rent it.

4/10

The Cellar Door Review

The Cellar Door

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

So how would you like to be locked in a cage and tortured for weeks with no way of escaping? Wouldn’t that be fun? I love captive movies because I’m so interested in how badly made the contraptions are and all the ways I could get out. Well I’m not in that situations and to be honest I’m glad I’m not. But unfortunately the same cannot be said for our lady in danger in this film. So basically it starts out pretty gory. There is a damsel in distress her clothes are bloody and torn, and she has found away to escape from her man made cell. The only problem is after jumping out a window she lands on her ankle and breaks it. Then she is eventually hit by a car, story over on her part. So of course our bad guy needs to find someone else to lock in his cage of goodies.

           He finds two young ladies who really don’t provide any back story but seem to have their lives in order. He watched them one night while they are out, they come home drunk pass out and he makes his move. He snatches Rudy the badass out of the two. Tall dark and not bad looking but the problem with this movie is not really the acting or the fact that is was made with a little budget. The problem with this movie is it is just too unbelievable. I mean I’m not trying to sound like a social path but how can you believe that a women could be held hostage in a 2 level house in the middle of south central and no one would hear. I mean yeah people have been kidnapping folks for years in LA but come on some one would have to notice something. Homeboy does a real good job of being a total weirdo and there some strange part that involves the lady in captive being haunted by a previous prisoner. The other roommate is in the hunt as well but has no clue how to find her. She soon gets caught as well and now we have a nice little production with a good body count in the making. It seems as if the writers spent a lot of detail building the suspense for our two main characters but when the movie climaxes it also falls. I think if this was filmed in San Bernardino it would have worked out a little better but they didn’t so oh well its worth seeing on Sci-Fi during the 13 days of Halloween.

5/10