Trick R Treat Review

Trick r Treat Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

Umm. If there is one thing I love about Halloween, its Halloween themed movies. I mean I don’t think you guys know how I get down. I mean I’ve seen every single Halloweentown movie. Call me a dork or what ever but nothing gets me more than Halloween films. Now I will say I was somewhat skeptical of if this film would be any good. It has a slew of great actors involved including Miss Sookie Stackhouse herself Anna Pauqin. Also in the movie are vets Dylan Baker and Brian Cox along with fresh faces like Tahmoh Penikett from “Dollhouse” and the fat kid from bad santa! So enough about the people in it lets talk about the film.

So let’s get this straight people its got gore and a great body count. They don’t give any background whatsoever. Which I think is good because it would ruin the film trying to figure out who these people are. There are no heroes to save the day in this film and everyone has their own little secrets. It’s packed with Halloween lore and goodness and it captures what the night is supposed to be about. Fun! Hell even though all this bad stuff is happening in the film I would love to visit this town. So there is a crazy principal that likes to poison kids. Hot army of werewolf ladies, and a local legend about some crazy kids that went off a cliff on Halloween that comes back from the dead. It’s all worth it and all the stories meet somewhere in the middle that you will enjoy. No one character really steals the movie but there is this creature that walks around in a costume with a big head (guy on cover) and the movie is his, because he is the only one at all the sights of terror. He is the so called spirit of the night and believe me you think that Halloween spirit from the old ghostbusters cartoon (I watched that this weekend too!) was scary wait to meet this little guy. I think I will leave it at that go rent it tonight if you can find it and it’s something that the family could watch (only if the kids are over 18!) together to celebrate the greatest holiday every invented Samhain! Make it a blockbuster night and it would be nice to own as well.

9/10

trick r treat

Messengers 2 The Scarecrow Review

Messengers 2 The Scarecrow Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

So Boondock saints was cool wasn’t it? Yeah why because the two brothers were badass irish fucks that like to fight. In steps the father and now there are 3 badass guys with guns tearing up everything! One of the main brothers in the movie of boondock is lead actor in the new messengers Noman Reedus. I like Reedus. He was cool in blade 2, The cigarette burns episode of MOH and other things. So when I saw all these things leading up and also that Todd Farmer is the one who created it sparked my interest. Not because the first messengers was that good, it’s just that it was nice to see the original director do it again. One problem though, what in the hell classifies this as a sequel? Let me elaborate.

So normally a sequel has something to do with the original, even if none of the characters return the same premise could happen or there also can be some sort of retelling of the first tale. So what about this movie? Well lets see, so there is a guy thats used to be an alcoholic who is trying to keep his family together living on a farm growing corn. The problem is there are these damn crows that keep shitting and eating the crops. So the man at the end of his wits is looking for some salvation and comes across a hidden door in the barn. Him living there for so long makes me wonder how come he has never noticed the door before. So he opens it and there are drawings made by a kid and a big bag. He pulls out the bag and inside is the scariest scarecrow I’ve seen in any films in a minute (kudos to the fx crew there). Then the son comes to explain to the dad the scarecrow is evil and he shouldn’t use it. Low and behold he runs into more misfortune with the crows and decides to use it. Of course as presumed his fortune turns around and he starts getting everything he wants. There is also some creepy neighbor that shows up and explains that he should allow the scarecrow to help him make his land plentiful. This neighbor also has a hot young wife thats very slutty and likes to play with herself in the cornfield (so of course no PG-13 rating for this movie). Then things start going bad as people start missing the guy starts drinking again and the corn keeps growing. During this whole time our main guys is hearing voices seeing dead children and all types of stuff that still has nothing to do with the first movie. Our hero decides to destroy the scarecrow to save his family but it won’t let him. Pissed off scarecrow then takes matters is his own hands and goes after the family. I leave it at that based on the fact you may watch this thing but if you have read this so far it must have you wondering the same thing my wife and I were thinking, what the hell does this have to do with the original? So if this was not a sequel it wouldn’t have been all that bad, it just really doesn’t fit in the mold of a sequel. I think Farmer may have made this movie got it rejected by the studios and through the Messengers tag on the film to get it to push. BOOO on you Mr. Farmer. How about calling this movie what is should have been called “The little boy with the bunny warns the daddy about the scarecrow” Watch on it on demand when it comes out.

6/10

Donkey Punch Review

 

Donkey Punch Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

OK, now there is a thin line in the horror world between sex and gore. I personally am all for it. I’ve never really been attracted to just T&A in films unless it was hard bodies or something like that but I think its for sure necessary in slasher flicks to have some ripe young couple having sex see some tits then enter the boogeyman. But, what about a movie involving a sexual act killing someone. Hows that for horror fun? How about no fun at all. Thats what I got out of our little film here let me tell you about it.

So a couple of sluts are out on vacation and they run across a couple blokes (it’s a British film) that are also out partying. They tell the ladies they are sailors and they are wanting them to come back for some fun under the sun. Of course the girls agree except for one but they convince her to come aboard when she sees their first captain and thinks he’s pretty good looking. So all aboard they go and they are doing what your typical adolescents do, drinking , doing drugs, and heating each other up talking about sex. They start mentioning positions and what not when one of the wankers talks about the Donkey Punch. Not to be confused with DP of Aqua teen hunger force. This is when you are hitting it from the back and right before the man comes he punches the girl in the back of the neck. Myth has it that it’s a climax the girl will never forget. Man they aren’t lying. So the kids drop some E finish off their drinks then it’s time for some action. The bitch of the crew doesn’t join because she is making eyes at co captain sailor boy and the other 2 head downstairs with the rest of the 3 guys to get a little nasty. Thats when things start to pick up. One guys is fucking one of the sluts while the other 2 are tag teaming the other. When one guys pops behind for doggystyle he gives the nod that he about to cum and the guy videotaping is urging him to do it. Of course this guy is the weakest link and he does and he punches the shit out the girl and she dies instantly. Everyone freaks out party is over and who’s got the next best seller on youtube? The blokes do thats who and these winy little girls who just lost their friends can’t do anything about or can they. So this is when the movie gets extremely boring as sides are chosen allies are made and lost and only few survivors remain. It was definitely more of a suspense thriller than a horror movie and all the deaths instead of the donkey punch was cheap. You get a feel during the movie that the directors and writers may have had a unique idea, but they ran out of them as production went along. The movie just dragged and the whole time you are watching it you want them to kill these bitches and get it over with. But thats what movies are for right. I’ll tell you one thing I’m on the hunt for some authentic Donkey Punch films to see what really happens because believe me I think these guys got a little out of hand with it. I’ll give them a little for kinda being original but I will for sure stay away from any movies called dirty sanchez!

2/10

The Unborn Review

 

The Unborn Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Skinny Skinny Skinny. Thats all I could think about when I left the movie theater. Odette Yustman has to be the skinniest girl I have ever seen. Did you know that chick was in Kindergarten cop? Amazing how she almost walks and contorts like a model when she moves in the movie, but um yes lets get to the movie.

So if you don’t know the premise it’s like this, girl sees images of dead boys and wonders why? Thats pretty much about it. Micheal Bay did this movie and I was expecting huge special effects and loud noises. Don’t get me wrong this is not another mirrors episode where there are 24 like explosions all over the place but I was expecting for sure to jump out of my seat even if it was more on a noise factor than a scare factor. So the movie moves along pretty fast and there are all these unsolved mysteries that are showing up every minute. You find out that the girl is a twin after having a eye exam and she has some questions for her father. She finds out her brother died in the womb but it still doesn’t explain why he is after her. Come to find out it’s not really him. It’s really this demon that has been after their family for generations. Unlike a great movie I just watched (see Mandy Lane review soon) the college characters in here are snobby, boring, and they all look like they just came off of one tree hill. I guess they go to Northwestern because I couldn’t think of another university that looked like the one they were in in Chicago. I was hoping and praying on the demise of each one of these characters but with a PG-13 rating my expectations were not that high. There were some creepy scenes that drew you in and left you wanting more but when the climax of the scenes came it kinda of pushed away because t was so noisy. Ever see Stigmata? I know a lot of people like that movie, I think it’s terrible but the whole time I watched it I felt as if it was a cross between Exorcist Origins (horrible movie) and Stigmata (equally horrible). But I won’t go that far it wasn’t as bad as the two mentioned above. It was entertaining enough to keep you involved and I liked the twist involving the Nazi’s and the Occult. Which if you have never read on you should because there used to be some evil bastard in this world. As a Gemini and a member of a family that has 2 sets of twins in every generation this movie was very appealing to me. The only problem is its appeal is for the kiddies and so much more could have been done with an R Rating. I know this is a remake of an Asian film even though the Americans made an Unborn series in the 90’s, but they have to stop raping these movies and giving them a PG-13 rating give them their due. Stop reincarnating Dark Water and move on. I challenge these guys in the industry to bring the actual films to the public here and make these spoiled brats read some subtitles culture is good for them. This movie has a lot of potential but falls short when the gore is given to you on a sugar plated spoon, but it’s interesting enough for me to check it out again when the UN-Rated version comes out. Maybe Valentine 3D will be good for us adults but until then grab your favorite niece or nephew and go scare the hell out of them by seeing this film believe it will be the best part about it.

5/10

The Zombie Diaries Review

 

 

 

The Zombie Diaries Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

So it looks like Dimension Extreme Films deiced there can be more money made off the the George Romero flick Diary of The Dead. How you ask? By making the same exact film as he did and just switching it up a bit. Showing it from all these different angles and things. Wow extraordinary! What I don’t get is how these films just continually get crapped out one by one and I think out of all the Dimensions Extreme Films produced so far, only “Machine Girl” and “Inside” have sparked my fancy. But oh well let me give you the crappy details of a movie that was actually better than Romero’s flick.

Now it’s been done from film to film. Blair witch to Cloverfield, REC to Diary, and in the film you get more of the same. Yes I’m talking about the tiresome real camera feel. Look if I wanted to see movies in this way. I would get a camera of my own and go terrorize a couple catholic schools. Believe me it would be a lot scarier then some of this stuff that comes out. So it’s future time blah, blah, blah, and there are some blokes kicking about London trying to make a documentary. The Documentary is about a unknown virus that is spreading from town to town. It has flu like symptoms except for one thing. It kills people! As our young filmmakers are sorting out key evidence about the virus there are news reports that the virus has spread completely throughout England and there are strange things happening with the bodies. Our filmmakers arrive at an old town that was labeled as hit by the virus and they soon notice the town is deserted. Of course they have car troubles which leaves them stranded in the town. Once the sun goes down they have some unexpected visitors that look dead but are not acting that way.

The second segment shoots to a group that survived the first wave of attacks from the zombies. They are traveling out of the city towards the hills looking for small towns to scavenge for food now. It’s one month later and the zombies have taken over all of Great Britain. There is also a group living in an abandoned barn surviving as well hunting zombies and scouting for ways out. The characters are all very strange and similar to Cloverfield you get just enough back story to either like em or hate em. There is one guy who you will hate for sure. Once you see what he does it will make you despise him even more.

Just like Diary I was not overwhelmed by this film because it constantly moved towards nothing and granted the guy I was mentioning above Is a sick character , It was not an ending that made me stand up and say wow! I just don’ understand how you can make a movie about zombies and not make them the central part of the films. How about some one make a film about a zombie with a camera attached to it and the call that the Zombie’s Diary while he was dead or some shit. I don’t know. The film has too little scenes of destruction by the Zombies. I’m just dying to see that film that shows end of the world possibilities with zombies for real, not this made up melodrama shit. It’s out on DVD so go peep it.

5/10

 

The Tattooist Review

The Tattooist Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

Now I’m a big fan of tattoos and when I heard of this movie I was really interested in seeing how this movie would work on 2 of my most beloved subjects, horror and tattoos.

Of course my expectations are never too high and when I saw that the movie starred the guy from Roswell, I knew I was in trouble. Have you guys ever seen that dude run? It’s fucking hilarious, it’s like his feet a fighting to touch the ground or something and his hips are too heavy. So anyway he is a tattoo artist that specializes in healing tattoos. Even though everyone tells him its bullshit he is pretty keen on his craft. While at a convention he sees this Samoan cutie at a table and goes after her. Now let me stop there and tell you that this guy is not your ordinary bad ass tattoo artist that never wears shirts and rides badass bikes and dig chicks that fight. No this guy is a green drink, no alcohol, wheat grass eating, tattooed hippy guy that has a knack for stealing peoples ideas to make him famous. So he follows the girl back to a tent to witness an actual tattooing Samoan style going on right there. So what does our little vegan ink man do, he steals one of there tools of course.

            Now this movie involves a vengeful spirit who is awaken after the tool is taken and that puts me in a pang brothers type of mind to wonder ok so what happened to this thing in the past to piss it off and how long do we have to wait for a body to show up hidden somewhere. Romance ensues between the two and our buddy takes residences in a local shop to continue his craft and runs a cross a brother and sister who soon get tainted tattoos and suffer ink filled deaths from our spirit that seems to…um…Tattoo them to death. Now maybe that would be bad ass If the spirit had a like a huge tattoo gun and like tattooed their eyeballs and shit, but no all this thing does is hop on top of you and tap his stick on you and believe me it’s not sexy. There is some hidden secret, a body is found and blah blah blah movie over kisses and stuff. Not at all scary and I though it had potential to be a lot more disgusting. I believe you can wait for it to hit the movie stations on cable.

5/10

 

The Happening Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

The franchise of M. Night Shymalan will forever go down as genius or as the biggest hoax in movie history. Now I could be like every other website out there and give my personal opinion on why I hated the film, and I know that’s why you are reading this. That is not what I’m going to do. Instead I am going to give you a plot summary in my own words and let you draw your own conclusion on if it’s good or not.

           The Happening fucking sucked!! Just kidding. The movie stars Mark Wahlberg as a high school science teacher that is interrupted one day by the principal asking all faculty to meet in the schools auditorium. They found out in New York there are people breaking out in mass hysteria and committing suicides left and right. The people are urged to evacuate the city so he is joined by his fellow co worker John Leguizamo and strange bride who receives phone calls from a guy named Joey in the first segment. The plague seems to hang over the northeast area and even train have to stop where they are going. They get off and find out the strange happenings are taking over the northeast stretching from New York to Philadelphia.  John Leguizamo’s wife is in Princeton New Jersey so he needs to separate from his daughter to make sure she is ok. Other stuff I can’t tell you happens as Wahlberg Bride and girl head the other way towards farm land and The world is looked at very differently according to mother nature form this point on. I can’t say shit else except for M. Night will remind you more of a twilight zoneesque then actual Hitchcock director like he is trying to be.

Though I will say look before you take with this one.         

5/10

The Signal Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

           Have you ever asked yourself what you would do if the world was to end?

I know I have, and it involves my wife, my child, good weed, whisky and a muthafucking shotgun! The last item of course is for the mass hysteria that usually arrives at the time of the apocalypse. Now I’m not talking about mutant or zombie takeovers, I’m talking about good ole human beings.  The types of humans you would need shotguns for, crazy ones! The Signal is a film about the city Terminus, and in this city the residents are watching TV, listening to the radio, and killing their next door neighbors. Yes I said killing their next door neighbors. This film is broken up in sections each written by a different person. It follows a young lady, her husband, the guys she is fucking, and certain friends and strangers they meet along the way. It’s kind of hard to explain so I’ll break it up in sections and try not to give the movie away.

           Part 1 involves the lady and her lover waking up to a television set full of noise and blurry visions. It is quickly turned off and the lover gives the lady a high fidelity type mixtape to take with her on her way out. When she gets to the garage she is approached by a person asking for help. When she investigates what’s going on she sees blood and quickly starts to retreat. Good for her since there is a crazy person hot on her tails. When she arrives home she is confronted by her husband and his friends start an argument about the happenings with the television. Then all hell breaks loose and she ends up staying overnight in the apartment next door while chaos is happening all around.

           Part 2 focus on the husband interaction with a lady waiting on her guests to show up for a New Years Eve party. She has killed her husband and the neighbor has also killed someone and we are noticing that everyone thinks they are fine but somehow this signal has affected them so much that they start dreaming of obscure scenarios thinking people that are dead are alive and crazy shit like that. I found myself really enjoying this part because the acting is superb and you start to question what’s really going on yourself and whenever someone turns on the TV you jump up and scream for them to shut it off.

           Part 3 takes us to the final confrontation between the boyfriend and the husband. You start to lose the whole apocalyptic aspect on this portion and see The Signal for what it really is a crazed love tale.  Now I’ll mention that I was not feeling that at all. I really started to care less and less for our characters because I was more interested in what was going on in the rest of the world. I was hoping the lady would escape and make it to another city and find the same things going on with no hope to an end. Oh well we all can’t have our wishes granted everyday. So the film ends with no resolve on if the signal will stop but let’s say the good guys win. It could be worse but the film actually was not that bad. Like I said the guy who did the second section really made the movie for me. Its nice whenever a movies shows how or own devices can turn against us, it just would be a little better if we got some sort of explanation as to why its is all happening. I guess we will just have to leave that up to M.Night to explain, man are we in trouble. Go rent this though!

7/10

Teeth Review

Teeth Review

Reviewed by Nyquill of The Gutter

 

I’ve been waiting a along time to see this flick and I was hoping it wasn’t a let down. I know it really was not going to be scary but in regards to a no nonsense monster flick, man I have to say I got everything I wanted. The film is a nice little treat for anyone looking for something different. So our tale follows Dawn a young pro abstinent lady with desires to speak to the youth about the dangers of premarital sex. The problem is she knows she is the cure all disease for sex mixed in one lovely young female. So where does the body count come from you say? How about from the young eager men and an ob gyn that gets exactly what he deserves. There are a lot of crazy elements in this film. Just the family it self is weird because the mom and dad are cute but the son is fucked up. I think it may have something to do with the fact that he tried to finger our heroine at a very young age and got a lot more that what he bargained for. I think if all the girls pants I wanted to get into when I was in high school but I always stayed away from the I want to be a virgin chicks, now I know why. They may have had teeth in there vaginas. Solid acting all the way through but I would like to see her take out more assholes and maybe even a bull dike or 2. It still was a sweet film but there really is not much to say about it because like I stated earlier it was not scary. Definitely a dark humor horror. Kinda like a cross between May and the Lorena Bobbitt tale. I think it’s a film they should show in boys health class to deter them from rape. I wonder where this will hit TV wise due to the fact the sex scenes were alive and in your face. She seems to have sex with a guy she likes and as long as she is relaxed, but the minute you piss her off the teeth come out. The town is around a nuclear waste facility kinda like a simpson 3 eyed fish deal, they could have played more off that but I think having the air of it in the background worked well also. Ever seen cruel intentions? Think if Ryan Phillipe finally got a chance to fuck Sarah Michelle Gellar and he was in it for revenge, That’s kinda what the end seems like. I suggest you get that special someone talked about your first time, drink a glass of wine and enjoy!

9/10

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